Announcer: From the nation’s capital, “The McLaughlin Group,” special fantasy football edition (hey, if Matthew Berry can be a guest on Dancing with the Stars, John McLaughlin can do fantasy football). With panelists Fred Barnes, Pat Buchanan, Eleanor Clift, Morton Kondracke and Shannon Sharpe.
Now, here’s the moderator, John McLaughlin.
John McLaughlin: Issue 1: Is Matt Forte back?
Pat Buchanan: Well I think he can build off of—
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Freddie the Beetle Barnes!
Fred Barnes: His first touchdown shows…
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Mor-tone!
Morton Kondracke: Probably not.
John McLaughlin: Not negative enough! Eleanor Clift…
Eleanor Clift: Well, 121 yards and a TD on 12 carries seems good…
John McLaughlin: Wrong! The correct answer is ‘bullshit!’ Three reasons I’m skeptical: (1) it was against the Lions; (2) one of those carries was for about 65 yards; and (3) on that big run, he didn’t have enough gas to get all the way to the end zone. I’m worried about that knee.
Issue 2: Don’t you get the feeling that Indy’s Donald Brown is sort of like that Roy Hobbes guy and Joe Addai is Bump Bailey? And that he’s wishing this was arena football, so maybe Addai would crash through one of those walls on the field so he could get the regular gig? Eleanor…
Eleanor Clift: Um… yes?
John McLaughlin: Correct! Issue 3: Every time I hear about the Titans’ struggles, I also hear ‘but you can’t blame this on Fisher. He’s not the problem.’ How the hell did this guy become untouchable? Pat Buchanan…
Pat Buchanan: Good question. I’m not really sure. In Fisher’s 12 years in Tennessee, the Titans have finished first three times, including only once in the past six. He had a great run from 1999-2002, losing the Super Bowl by one yard, and then losing in Divisional and AFC Championship games. But since then, he’s seemed to underwhelm despite a fairly robust amount of talent.
The 0-4 start this year is downright ugly… and while I do believe the team needs to make changes at QB if they’re ever going to get things going again, Fisher should be watching his back, in my opinion.
John McLaughlin: Welcome to new panelist, Shannon Sharpe. Why don’t you tackle Issue 4: Is Iran clearly in violation of the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty?
Shannon Sharpe: Yes, it is. And it also had to declare the decision to build the site, which it didn’t. This is the third time they’ve been called out: In 2002, on a covert program; in 2003, on a program to try to develop a warhead to get on a Shahab missile; and now. And there are probably other secret programs we don’t know about.
John McLaughlin: [staring in jaw-dropped disbelief] Um… lucky guess. Issue 5: Seriously, what’s the deal with those red challenge flag thingees? Freddie Barnes…
Fred Barnes: No idea, John. One week after chastising Bill Belichick for tucking the thing down into his socks, the Vikings’ “Check Out the Big Brain On” Brad Childress couldn’t pull it out of his hip pocket fast enough to challenge a clearly-trapped catch by the Packers. It ended up not costing them, because Rodgers was intercepted on the next play. But still…
John McLaughlin: What’s the solve, Eleanor Clift?
Eleanor Clift: Hang it around your neck?
John McLaughlin: Wrong. The answer is: use one of those industrial-looking doohickeys that janitors use to clip that big stash of keys to their belt. Issue 6: Is Steve Smith really the best fantasy wide receiver in the league? Mor-tone!
Morton Kondracke: I went nuts last week and traded Smith away despite loving him, despite being a huge Giants fan and depriving myself of his 11 catch-134 yard-2 TD performance in the process. I know, I know… but be forewarned: Smith may end up being a solid receiver this year, but he’s due for a precipitous drop-off soon. See: Eli Manning and his bad weather issues, the return of the rest of the Giants receiving corps and an eventual return to Giants smash mouth football.
John McLaughlin: Correct! So, who are you picking up this week? Pat Buchanan…
Pat Buchanan: Mohamed Massaquoi. Eight catches last week for 148 yards. And most important, no more Braylon ‘The Puncher’ Edwards. We know the Browns will throw, and throw often. Massaquoi is gonna be The Man.
Morton Kondracke: I’m taking Braylon. He may not blow up this week, but he’ll soon become a top target for Dirty Sanchez.
Eleanor Clift: Rashard Mendenhall. 165 yards and two touchdowns!! Who cares about Willie Parker’s health? The Steelers hadn’t been able to run until last week, and it was killing them. They can’t afford to turn away from something that’s actually worked.
John McLaughlin: The answer is… Mike Sims-Walker !
Until next week.
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