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Shelly Kaplow: “Lootz is kryptonite on a stick.” 

Have you ever seen the movie The Cooler with William H. Macy? Macy’s character works in a casino, and is so unlucky, the people around him contract it by osmosis. The casino hires him to walk by tables that are hot to cool down players on a streak.

I am The Cooler of fantasy football.

I picked up Brian Westbrook a few weeks back. After three nice runs, Westbrook had to be removed from the game for a concussion. Almost every player on my team has spent a significant portion of time injured this year (Marion Barber, Kevin Smith, Calvin Johnson, and now Vernon Davis). But fret not… their suffering does end. When I release players into the wild, they return to their former glory. Take Larry Fitzgerald. After two weeks of lackluster performances, I traded Fitz to bolster my running attack – only to watch him bust out for 123 yards and two TDs. I did get Ray Rice in return… and while Rice didn’t have a bad day, per se (it was certainly helped by a big 35 yard catch at the end), I’m waiting for the inevitable WILLIS MCGAHEE STABS RAY RICE OUT OF JEALOUSY headline that’s bound to be waiting for me tomorrow.

I’m concerned – and not just because my fantasy team is x-x… but because I’m due to go to Vegas with my brother in two weeks. If I continue to be enveloped in this aura of putridity*, then not only am I guaranteed to lose a bundle, but so too is my brother by association.

This may not end well for me.

*[By the way, I thought I made up a new word in “putridity,” but was surprised when the spell checker didn’t throw that squiggly red underline beneath it. Turns out it exists… huh. Learn something new every day.] 

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Speaking of which, let’s figure out what other lessons I came away with for Week 9: 

Hey, Ryan Moats! You just got handed a significant portion of your team’s carries with the possibility you’ll be the featured back for Houston! What are you going to do? 

I’m going to cough up the ball on the goal line! 

Fret not, Slaton owners – Steve will be back in the proverbial cat bird’s seat soon enough – maybe as soon as after the bye. On the downside, he will still suck and cost you points via his fumbles.

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The clock is running out for Calvin Johnson. I had the chance to trade him last week for Miles Austin and passed… convinced that I would see glimpses of his former self this past week.

I didn’t.

He was getting double teamed at almost every turn… and when he wasn’t, he simply wasn’t on the same page.

I really want to keep him, though – if for no other reason than I KNOW that as soon as I trade him, he’s going to regain his ol’ Megatron form (see above references to: luck, shitty).

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Coming off a five-interception crapfest, how do you explain Kurt Warner’s five-touchdown renaissance? No idea (and no, I didn’t have him and trade him… though that seemed to be the most plausible explanation, didn’t it?). You can’t know who you’re getting from one week to the next with that guy. Still, with the remaining schedule he and the Cardinals have (@Sea, @Ten, Min, @SF, @Det, StL and GB), hard not to think he’s going to be a monster for the rest of the year.

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I have to admit, barring assault and battery, Ray Rice was a good return for Fitzgerald. Can’t complain… the guy had an atrocious game on Sunday and I still got 18 points out of him.

Speaking of which, I feel very sorry for Cleveland when a pissed-off Ravens team comes into town next week and blows them to smithereens.

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Oh, and people don’t use the word “smithereens” enough anymore. I’m lobbying to bring it back.

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I didn’t even see the Reggie Wayne touchdown and I feel confident enough to say: Reggie, don’t throw any more passes.

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Speaking of double teams, does any guy get double teamed as much and consistently perform as well as Andre Johnson (10 catches, 103 yards on Sunday)? The guy coughs up blood and still plays. The guy commands 2-3 defensive guys. Still performs. He’s amazing.

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You should not own any Giants at this point… and that includes Brandon Jacobs (but you knew that) and Steve Smith. You still may be able to squeeze a few drops of value out of Smith. Do it now before it’s too late (didn’t I tell you to do this weeks ago, by the way?).

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Not a ton of guys worth picking up off the waiver wire, but if you need a running back, you could do worse than LeSean McCoy. If Westbrook stays hurt (and indications are he will… forever), McCoy will give you decent numbers (especially with San Diego’s terrible D coming up).

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Eli Manning is the worst clock manager in all of football. Seriously, does another offense get that many delay of game penalties called on them?

The worst part is that after it happens, he always makes a face… as if to say “What? They’re timing these things now?”

Every single time.

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Vernon Davis is a beast. And he’s only getting better.

Oh, but in case you have Vernon Davis and are wondering how he’s listed as Questionable on the Injury Report this week, it’s because he’s on my team.

Sorry… putridity by association.

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This was the third time in the last six games that Ryan Grant has come within 10 yards of breaking 100. Frustrating, I know.

Why does this keep happening, you ask?

Because I have RG on my team.

Sorry, fellow Grant owners… putridity by association.

Y’know what, at this point, let’s just call it PBA… it’ll save me a lot of time.

(Sigh)

Until next week.