There comes a time during every great gambling binge when you know you should probably call it a night. You fumble around in your pockets hoping to find one last chip to start a rally, but the only thing there is the ATM card you were too lazy to put back in your wallet an hour ago when you started your last run that just ended up flat busted.
Forget Valley Forge, these are the times that try men’s souls. You know you shouldn’t, but you know just as well that one good hot streak will get it all back and more and erase all those bad memories. You CAN be a winner. So you stumble back to the ATM for one more shot, and even though you know the sun is probably coming up somewhere, who’s to say that this isn’t going to be the one that launches you to the stratosphere?
A TEMPORARY SETBACK
“I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me.”
- Beck
Last week was an unmitigated disaster. I knew bad things were coming when Oklahoma and Texas – supposedly two of the best teams in the country – combined for six fumbles and three interceptions. The Longhorns managed to take Bradford out early but still mustered only enough points for a freakin’ push. And it was all downhill from there.
Wisconsin: LOSS. USC: LOSS. Auburn: LOSS (two weeks running). Sunday: LOSS LOSS LOSS. Somebody shoot me in the head. As the weekend wore on, the losses piled up higher than the chicken bones in the little red-and-white cardboard wing-bone tray, and my wins were about as scarce as ranch dressing at the end of the day.
The only bright spots of the weekend were the DOUBLE-DOWN LOCK Mississippi St. covering easily, just like I said, and the Atlanta Falcons saving us from an 0-fer on Sunday. A freakin’ 0-fer.
When all was said and done, the carnage looked something like this:
Saturday: 2-3-1 (-$1,300)
Sunday: 1-4 (-$3,400)
TWINNERS: 1-3 (-$2,300)
We opened the week up $2,400 and lost an even $7,000. Hell yes – seven is my lucky number, so this is a good omen. We’re going to win this week. We’re down $4,600 on the year, but luckily we didn’t just cash out PART of our 401(k) to bankroll this rally, we cashed out the whole damn thing. So we’ve got plenty of bank left to take it to The Man. And we’re due.
SATURDAY
“You never know what a football player is made of until he plays Alabama.”
- Gen. Neyland(NOTE to dumbass hillbilly Tennessee fans: It’s pronounced ‘NEE-land,’ not ‘NAY-land.’ He’s the greatest coach in the history of your program and your stadium is named after him – at least learn how to pronounce his name, you idiots.)
The calendar says otherwise, but to rednecks, hillbillies and good ole boys across the South, Saturday is a special day: The Third Saturday in October. That used to be the day that saw Alabama and Tennessee square off every single year until the boneheads in the SEC scheduling department decided to screw that up.
These teams hate each other. The fans hate each other. The equipment managers and the water boys hate each other. Ever since Phil “Chief Wiggum” Fulmer decided to become a secret witness in an attempt to bury the Alabama program (which he almost did even though NCAA bylaws forbid the use of secret witnesses, bastards), this rivalry has turned from heated to hatred.
To make matter worse, Tennessee Coach Lane Kiffin earlier this year hired super-recruiter Lance Thompson away from Alabama, and Thompson quickly claimed that he was going to “lock down Memphis” and out-recruit the Tide. The very next day, Nick Saban landed a commitment from the top high school receiver in Memphis.
Earlier this week, Kiffin asked Alabama if Tennessee could wear their home orange jerseys in this matchup, even though the game is in Tuscaloosa, and Alabama denied the request (it was AD Mal Moore, not Saban, who made the call). If you’re wondering why, just take one look at those laundromat orange jerseys, and you’ll understand why no one in their right mind would want to see that putrid color any more than absolutely necessary.
This game is so big that it’s our only play on Saturday. It’s our first FIVE-STAR TRIPLE-DOWN GOLD PLATED LOCK OF THE YEAR. Alabama won’t need to lay down any tape to line up this ass-kicking. Triple up on this one: The Tide rolls at home over the Kiffins: Alabama -15.
SUNDAY
Minnesota at Pittsburgh
Farvelous Brett “There is an ‘I’ in WIN” Favre takes his undefeated Vikings squad on the road to face the defending Super Bowl champs. This looks to be a great matchup. Normally, I’d be nervous taking a dome team on the grass, but Favre knows cold AND grass. The Vikings – with a super power running game and a stiff D – are not your typical dome team. Pittsburg wins in a close one, but take the points here: Vikings +5.
Indianapolis at St. Louis
Do I really need to explain this one? Have you seen Peyton Manning this year? Colts -13.5.
New York Jets at Oakland
The Jets are in a tailspin because they suddenly remembered that they’re the Jets. I still maintain that Jamarcus Russell is perhaps the worst starter in the NFL. He cost us last week when he shocked the Eagles, but that was Andy Reid’s fault. Go eat another meatloaf, Andy. Take the home dog (just for Dan): Oakland +6.
Philadelphia at Washington
The Redskins would be better off with Dee Snyder at the helm. In a shocking move, the Danny Dollar managed to convince Sherm Lewis to give up his gig as a bingo-caller at an old folks place to come in as a consultant for a team that has now played six consecutive matchups against teams that, coming into each game, had no wins. They then stripped Zorn’s play-calling duties and handed them to Sherm. If you listen closely when Washington has the ball, you may hear the play calls coming in from the sidelines: “B-42. N-29. G-15. Bingo!” Philly gets back off the mat: Eagles -7.
THE RUNDOWN
Alabama -15 vs. Tennessee (TRIPLE PLAY!)
Minnesota +5 at Pittsburgh
Indianapolis -13.5 at St. Louis
Oakland +6 vs. J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets.
Philly -7 at Washington.
That’s all for this weekend. Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter for hilarious game day commentary as well as exclusive game day TWINNER picks, which are a respectable 5-3 on the season.
MAIL BAG
Jimmy,
What was your single greatest gambling moment?
-M.
M: Great question. When I was but a wee college lad, I made the trek to the pitiful dog racing track in Greene County, Alabama, and proceeded to get smashed with a buddy and lose every race. After we drank and gambled our way through almost every dollar we had, I took our last five bucks to the counter for one last glory bet. I was standing at the window trying not to smell all the west Alabama trash around me when I notice the price of cocktails: $2.75 (yes, drinks were only $2.75 back then). So I put a $5 exacta on the 2-7. The two-dog was such a long-shot there was no real need to stick around and watch, so we took the ticket the car and drove to the top of the hill overlooking the track to watch our loser. Lo and behold, it hit. It was my first exacta – a proud moment, and that $5 bet paid more than $250 smackers, my biggest single win to date at the time. We made our way back into the track, cashed in the ticket, and drove back Tuscaloosa where we disposed of our winnings in one glorious, bar-hopping drunken binge. Ahh, college.
Jimmy,
Please quit picking Auburn. You’ve picked us twice in a row and we lost both times!”
-P.
P: You lost because you suck, not because I picked you. You have seven fewer scholarship players than most teams because your last coach recruited idiots who can’t stay in the program. If you keep Gus long enough, you’ll be back to your rightful position as a second-tier SEC team in no time. Chin up.
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