As I was hunkering down to try to pen this week’s column, I was seriously thinking about throwing in the towel. Last week’s performance was so dismal that I just wasn’t sure if I could go on. And then I saw the headline: “Tennessee Players Arrested.” Booyah.
As a rabid Crimson Tide fan, few things fluff my dander like trouble in Knoxville, and this one is just too good to pass up. According to reports, three freshmen Tennessee players were charged with attempted robbery Thursday morning after an incident at a gas station near the campus in Knoxville, the sphincter of the South.
The three victims were sitting in a parked vehicle when two hooded strangers approached, one of them brandishing a firearm, and demanded, “Give us everything you’ve got.” The victims had no money (they were UT students, so in case you’re wondering, there was no official word on whether they had any teeth or whether those teeth were perpendicular, although a prominent overbite is likely).
With nothing to gain, the perps then hopped into their Toyota Prius and fled the scene. The cops pulled them over near the athletic dorm and found a pellet gun, hooded sweatshirts, drug paraphernalia and a bag of what appeared to be marijuana in car. Yeah, we be rollin’ and bangin’ in da Prius wi’ da pellet gun.
As recently as Wednesday, during the SEC coaches teleconference, Vol Head Coach Lane Kiffin praised his team for not having any off-the-field problems during his tenure and had repeated several times this year that the Vols had been free of any such incidents. It’s nice to see that young Kiffin has such tight control over his players.
The icing on the big orange cake was this comment from one of the victims:
“I think they should still be able to play football, regardless. Tennessee is my place. It’s my football team,” Corey B. Zickefoose, 20, told WATE-TV in Knoxville.
“Even after they put a gun in your face, you say let them play football?” reporter Harlow Sumerford asked.
“Yeah, it’s Tennessee. That’s the way it is sometimes,” Zickefoose said.
THE RUNDOWN
This is the part I’ve been dreading, but we might as well take it like men. Last week’s picks:
Penn State: Loser. Georgia Tech: Loser. Cincinnati: Loser. USC: Loser. Colorado State: Loser. 0 for 5 on Saturday. Surely Sunday will be better, right? Ravens: Loser. Saints: Loser. Eagles: Loser. 0 for 3 on Sunday.
You really have to admire the consistency there. And like we said last week, it’s just as hard to lose every game as it is to win every game, although it doesn’t pay nearly as well.
There were a couple of bright spots. We ended the week with a big win on Monday night with the Steelers, so if you were smart enough to let all the weekend losses ride on that last game, you would have finished up even Steven.
Season performance: -$7700 this week means we’re -$13,700 on the season.
TWINNER HOTNESS
Even though the regular picks have been as cold as ice, my TWINNERS have been unbelievable. A 4-1 weekend upped the season total to 16-4, so if you’re not following me on twitter, you need to start right now. Add the weekend TWINNER winnings to my total, and the new season tally is -$10,800. That sucks, but at least I got a sweet invitation to spend Sunday watching games on the 60-inch flat screen my bookie just bought for his new boat. That’s something.
GETTING IT BACK
Hypothetically, if you’ve already lost your 401(k), your rainy day fund, your savings account, your checking account and half your kid’s college fund, it may be time to stop. OR, it may be time to cash in the other half of the college fund, pawn your car title and let it all ride on one big weekend. Wise men go where cowards fear to tread, especially when they know they’re DUE.
After a 1-7 weekend, there’s practically no way we can continue losing at this clip. So we’re gonna go big this weekend.
FRIDAY
That’s right – we’ve got a college double-header tonight, so let’s get the winning started early.
West Virginia at Cincinnati
There’s mad money on the over in this game, more than 90 percent at some sports books. That’s probably because people can remember the Rich Rod glory days when West Virginia actually had an offense. But the Rod man bolted for the maize and blue, and some crazy old grandpa is calling the shots for the Mountaineers now. Let’s start the winning with UNDER 55.
Temple at Akron
The Owls vs. the Zips: What a mascot matchup this is. Yes, Temple really has a football team. And what’s more, they’re 7-2 on the year and likely headed for their first bowl game since a 1979 appearance in the Garden State Bowl. Since I’ve already told you way more than you ever cared to know about Temple football, let’s get on with the pick: Take the Zips +4 (that’s Akron).
SATURDAY
This is the time of the year when the bookies start taking back all the money that the fortunate fools may have won through the year. Trends get erased. Balance returns to the system. Winners lose. Losers win. They don’t have all those bright lights in Vegas because people win money all the time. No, people lose. And lose big. So we’re going into the weekend with The System giving extra weight to those games that “everyone” thinks will go a certain way.
Syracuse at Louisville
One sports book told me on the sly (aka “the Internet”) that 100 percent of money wagered so far is on the Over in this game, with nothing on Under. Egad, man. That’s insane. The total is currently at 47.5, and I’m not sure either of these teams is capable of putting together enough decent football to get the total that high. Let’s go the other way and take UNDER 47.5.
Clemson at N.C. State
Clemson is like a broken record, and I hate saying that because their head coach, Dabo Swinney, is a Crimson Tide man. But let’s see if this sounds familiar: Stellar recruiting class followed by preseason hype followed by heartbreaking early season losses followed by a mid-season rally that ends with an end-of-year collapse. A Clemson grad once told me that Clemson was “The Harvard of the South.” I think he meant that Clemson is the “Auburn of South Carolina.” Take a rallying N.C. State +8.
Kentucky at Vanderbilt
There’s absolutely nothing about this matchup that excites me, but Dan says I should stop taking favorites on the road. After the past two weeks, I’m starting to believe him. So here we have one bad team getting points at home against another bad team. I’ll take those points: Vandy +4.
Florida at South Carolina
Florida is the defending national champion, has won two of the past three championships, and is pretty much the consensus pick as the best team in the country. So they must have really been wearing some teams out, right? Not really. They’ve won every game, and that’s commendable, but their only blowouts this year have come against Charleston Southern, Troy, Kentucky, Georgia and Vandy, five really bad teams. South Carolina’s losses have all been giveaways with unbelievable mistakes and costly turnovers. South Carolina has a stout defense and should be able to slow Florida down. This one stays low, too: Take the UNDER 42.5.
Idaho at Boise St.
Boise was our only TWINNER loss last week after giving away a sure cover with a late pick 6 that totally changed the whole game. But that was Boise on the road. This week, the Broncos return to the abominable home blue turf that makes every game an eyesore to watch. They’re matched against in-state rival Idaho, and this one should be a blowout: Take Boise St. -31.
SUNDAY
Anytime I see the betting public in general thinking that a Las Vegas line is out of whack, it pricks my gambling ears up a little bit. The betting public in general is full of idiots, sometimes including myself, and Las Vegas odds makers generally know what they’re doing.
So far this year, we’ve played a lot of favorites in the NFL, and despite the early season trend of favorites covering the line, we’ve pretty much had our asses handed to us by The Man. So this weekend, while I’m kicking back on the boat in front of the big screen, I’m going to have all my Washington’s riding on the opposite side of the games that everyone else is laying heavy on.
So, I’ll spare you the commentary this week and give you NOTHING BUT WINNERS, BABY:
- Jets & Jaguars UNDER 40.5.
- Redskins +4.5 vs the Broncos
- St. Louis +13.5 at the Rams
- Green Bay +3 vs. the Cowboys AND Under 47.5
- Cleveland +10.5 vs Baltimore
Mmmm… Smell those dogs cooking up nicely? It’s going to be a Game Day Bookie Barbeque when all these winners start rolling in on Sunday, and I’m going to be right there on the boat in front of the big screen (that I paid for) watching The Man crumble in the wake of my awesomeness.
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