Quarterbacks

Can’t Miss Starters

Drew Brees NO at STL

Strong Starters

Peyton Manning IND vs. NE
Tom Brady NE at IND
Kurt Warner AZ vs. SEA
Brett Favre MIN vs. DET
Ben Roethlisberger PIT vs. CIN
Aaron Rodgers GB vs. DAL
Tony Romo DAL at GB
Philip Rivers SD vs. PHI
Joe Flacco BAL at CLE

Mediocre Starters

Jay Cutler CHI at SF
Donovan McNabb PHI at SD
Carson Palmer CIN at PIT
Kyle Orton DEN at WAS
Matt Cassel KC at OAK
Alex Smith SF vs. CHI
Matt Ryan ATL at CAR
Matt Hasselbeck SEA at AZ
Mark Sanchez NYJ vs. JAC

Weak Starters

Vince Young TEN vs. BUF
Josh Freeman TB at MIA
David Garrard JAC at NYJ
Jake Delhomme CAR vs. ATL
Chad Henne MIA vs. TB
Trent Edwards BUF at TEN

Bench Warmers

Matthew Stafford DET at MIN
Jason Campbell WAS vs. DEN
Brady Quinn CLE vs. BAL
JaMarcus Russell OAK vs. KC
Marc Bulger STL vs. NO

Runningbacks

Can’t Miss Starters

Chris Johnson TEN vs. BUF
Adrian Peterson MIN vs. DET
Ray Rice BAL at CLE
Ronnie Brown MIA vs. TB

Strong Starters

Maurice Jones-Drew JAC at NYJ
Michael Turner ATL at CAR
Thomas Jones NYJ vs. JAC
DeAngelo Williams CAR vs. ATL
Pierre Thomas NO at STL
Steven Jackson STL vs. NO
Fank Gore SF vs. CHI
Rashard Mendenhall PIT vs. CIN
Cedric Benson CIN at PIT

Mediocre Starters

Marion Barber DAL at GB
Joseph Addai IND vs. NE
Ryan Grant GB vs. DAL
Matt Forte CHI at SF
LeSean McCoy PHI at SD (assuming Westbrook is out)
Jamaal Charles KC at OAK
Laurence Maroney NE at IND
Tim Hightower AZ vs. SEA
Marshawn Lynch BUF at TEN
LaDainian Tomlinson SD vs. PHI
Ricky Williams MIA vs. TB
Cadillac Williams TB at MIA
Jonathan Stewart CAR vs. ATL
Knowshon Moreno DEN at WAS
Justin Fargas OAK vs. KC
Chris Wells AZ vs. SEA
Kevin Smith DET at MIN
Julius Jones SEA at AZ
Ladell Betts WAS vs. DEN

Weak Starters

Mike Bell NO at STL
Felix Jones DAL at GB
Shonn Greene NYJ vs. JAC
Jamal Lewis CLE vs. BAL
Justin Forsett SEA at AZ
Tashard Choice DAL at GB
Reggie Bush NO at STL
Darren McFadden OAK vs. KC
Fred Jackson BUF at TEN
LenDale White TEN vs. BUF
Derrick Ward TB at MIA
Correll Buckhalter DEN at WAS
Darren Sproles SD vs. PHI

Bench Warmers

Kevin Faulk NE at IND
Jerome Harrison CLE vs. BAL
Maurice Morris DET at MIN
Willis McGahee BAL at CLE
Rashad Jennings JAC at NYJ
Michael Bush OAK vs. KC
Donald Brown IND vs. NE
Willie Parker PIT vs. CIN
Aaron Brown DET at MIN
Chad Simpson IND vs. NE
Benjarvus Green-Ellis NE at IND
Aaron Stecker ATL at CAR

Wide Receivers

Can’t Miss Starters

Larry Fitzgerald AZ vs. SEA
Marques Colston NO at STL

Strong Starters

Vincent Jackson SD vs. PHI
Roddy White ATL at CAR
Reggie Wayne IND vs. NE
Randy Moss NE at IND
Donald Driver GB vs. DAL
Wes Welker NE at IND
Miles Austin DAL at GB
Hines Ward PIT vs. CIN
Chad Ochocinco CIN at PIT
Nate Burleson SEA at AZ
Sidney Rice MIN vs. DET
Dwayne Bowe KC at OAK
Brandon Marshall DEN at WAS
Greg Jennings GB vs. DAL
DeSean Jackson PHI at SD
Derrick Mason BAL at CLE
Percy Harvin MIN vs. DET
T.J. Houshmandzadeh SEA at AZ

Mediocre Starters

Steve Smith CAR vs. ATL
Lee Evans BUF at TEN
Terrell Owens BUF at TEN
Devin Hester CHI at SF
Santonio Holmes PIT vs. CIN
Mike Sims-Walker JAC at NYJ
Braylon Edwards NYJ vs. JAC
Nate Washington TEN vs. BUF
Jerricho Cotchery NYJ vs. JAC
Anquan Boldin AZ vs. SEA
Austin Collie IND vs. NE
Calvin Johnson DET at MIN
Santana Moss WAS vs. DEN
Michael Crabtree SF vs. CHI

Weak Starters

Jeremy Maclin PHI at SD
Mike Wallace PIT vs. CIN
Donnie Avery STL vs. NO
Bernard Berrian MIN vs. DET
Roy Williams DAL at GB
Devery Henderson NO at STL
Steve Breaston AZ vs. SEA
Bryant Johnson DET at MIN
Malcom Floyd SD vs. PHI
Jason Hill SF vs. CHI
Robert Meachem NO at STL
Laveraneus Coles CIN at PIT
Eddie Royal DEN at WAS
Justin Gage TEN vs. BUF
Torry Holt JAC at NYJ
Johnny Knox CHI at SF
Patrick Crayton DAL at GB
Mark Clayton BAL at CLE
Andre Caldwell CIN at PIT
Louis Murphy OAK vs. KC
Pierre Garcon IND vs. NE
Mike Thomas JAC at NYJ
James Jones GB vs. DAL
Kelley Washington BAL at CLE
Mohammed Massaquoi CLE vs. BAL
Sam Aiken NE at IND
Brian Hartline MIA vs. TB
Devin Thomas WAS vs. DEN
Chris Chambers KC at OAK
Ted Ginn MIA vs. TB
Antwaan Randle El WAS vs. DEN

Bench Warmers

Brandon Stokley DEN at WAS
Greg Camarillo MIA vs. TB
Keenan Burton STL vs. NO
Sammie Stroughter TB at MIA
Josh Morgan SF vs. CHI
David Clowney NYJ vs. JAC
Lance Long KC at OAK
Earl Bennett CHI at SF
Jabar Gaffney DEN at WAS
Davone Bess MIA vs. TB
Michael Jenkins ATL at CAR
Isaac Bruce SF vs. CHI
Kenny Britt TEN vs. BUF
Bobby Wade KC at OAK
Sam Hurd DAL at GB
Jason Avant PHI at SD
Muhsin Muhammad CAR vs. ATL
Lance Moore NO at STL
Antonio Bryant TB at MIA

Tight Ends

Can’t Miss Starters

Dallas Clark IND vs. NE
Vernon Davis SF vs. CHI
Brent Celek PHI at SD
Jeremy Shockey NO at STL

Strong Starters

Tony Gonzalez ATL at CAR
Antonio Gates SD vs. PHI
Kellen Winslow TB at MIA
Greg Olsen CHI at SF
Jason Witten DAL at GB
Heath Miller PIT vs. CIN

Mediocre Starters

Visanthe Shiancoe MIN vs. DET
Zach Miller vs. KC
John Carlson SEA at AZ
Fred Davis WAS vs. DEN
Brandon Pettigrew DET at MIN
Todd Heap BAL at CLE
Marcedes Lewis JAC at NYJ
Dustin Keller NYJ vs. JAC
Tony Scheffler DEN at WAS

Weak Starters

Gary Barnidge CAR vs. ATL
Ben Watson NE at IND
Spencer Havner GB vs. DAL
Martellus Bennett DAL at GB
Donald Lee GB vs. DAL
Bo Scaife TEN vs. BUF

Bench Warmers

Casey Fitzsimmons DET at MIN
Anthony Fasano MIA vs. TB
Sean Ryan KC at OAK
Daniel Graham DEN at WAS
Daniel Fells STL vs. NO

Kickers

Just pick one.

Defense

Can’t Miss Starters

Minnesota vs. Detroit
Denver at Washington
New Orleans at St. Louis
Baltimore at Cleveland
Arizona vs. Seattle

Strong Starters

Pittsburgh vs. Cincinnati
San Francisco vs. Chicago

Mediocre Starters

Philadelphia at San Diego
Dallas at Green Bay
Tennessee vs. Buffalo
New York Jets vs. Jacksonville
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Atlanta at Carolina
San Diego vs. Philadelphia
Miami vs. Tampa Bay
Washington vs. Denver
Indianapolis vs. New England
Green Bay vs. Dallas
New England at Indianapolis

Weak Starters

Oakland vs. Kansas City
Buffalo at Tennessee
Chicago at San Francisco
Jacksonville at New York Jets

Bench Warmers

Carolina vs. Atlanta
Cleveland vs. Baltimore
Kansas City at Oakland
Tampa Bay at Miami
Seattle at Arizona
St. Louis vs. New Orleans
Detroit at Minnesota

As a rabid Crimson Tide fan, few things fluff my dander like trouble in Knoxville, and this one is just too good to pass up. According to reports, three freshmen Tennessee players were charged with attempted robbery Thursday morning after an incident at a gas station near the campus in Knoxville, the sphincter of the South.

The three victims were sitting in a parked vehicle when two hooded strangers approached, one of them brandishing a firearm, and demanded, “Give us everything you’ve got.” The victims had no money (they were UT students, so in case you’re wondering, there was no official word on whether they had any teeth or whether those teeth were perpendicular, although a prominent overbite is likely).

With nothing to gain, the perps then hopped into their Toyota Prius and fled the scene. The cops pulled them over near the athletic dorm and found a pellet gun, hooded sweatshirts, drug paraphernalia and a bag of what appeared to be marijuana in car. Yeah, we be rollin’ and bangin’ in da Prius wi’ da pellet gun.

As recently as Wednesday, during the SEC coaches teleconference, Vol Head Coach Lane Kiffin praised his team for not having any off-the-field problems during his tenure and had repeated several times this year that the Vols had been free of any such incidents. It’s nice to see that young Kiffin has such tight control over his players.

The icing on the big orange cake was this comment from one of the victims:

“I think they should still be able to play football, regardless. Tennessee is my place. It’s my football team,” Corey B. Zickefoose, 20, told WATE-TV in Knoxville.

“Even after they put a gun in your face, you say let them play football?” reporter Harlow Sumerford asked.

“Yeah, it’s Tennessee. That’s the way it is sometimes,” Zickefoose said.

THE RUNDOWN

This is the part I’ve been dreading, but we might as well take it like men. Last week’s picks:

Penn State: Loser. Georgia Tech: Loser. Cincinnati: Loser. USC: Loser. Colorado State: Loser. 0 for 5 on Saturday. Surely Sunday will be better, right? Ravens: Loser. Saints: Loser. Eagles: Loser. 0 for 3 on Sunday.

You really have to admire the consistency there. And like we said last week, it’s just as hard to lose every game as it is to win every game, although it doesn’t pay nearly as well.

There were a couple of bright spots. We ended the week with a big win on Monday night with the Steelers, so if you were smart enough to let all the weekend losses ride on that last game, you would have finished up even Steven.

Season performance: -$7700 this week means we’re -$13,700 on the season.

TWINNER HOTNESS

Even though the regular picks have been as cold as ice, my TWINNERS have been unbelievable. A 4-1 weekend upped the season total to 16-4, so if you’re not following me on twitter, you need to start right now. Add the weekend TWINNER winnings to my total, and the new season tally is -$10,800. That sucks, but at least I got a sweet invitation to spend Sunday watching games on the 60-inch flat screen my bookie just bought for his new boat. That’s something.

GETTING IT BACK

Hypothetically, if you’ve already lost your 401(k), your rainy day fund, your savings account, your checking account and half your kid’s college fund, it may be time to stop. OR, it may be time to cash in the other half of the college fund, pawn your car title and let it all ride on one big weekend. Wise men go where cowards fear to tread, especially when they know they’re DUE.

After a 1-7 weekend, there’s practically no way we can continue losing at this clip. So we’re gonna go big this weekend.

FRIDAY

That’s right – we’ve got a college double-header tonight, so let’s get the winning started early.

West Virginia at Cincinnati

There’s mad money on the over in this game, more than 90 percent at some sports books. That’s probably because people can remember the Rich Rod glory days when West Virginia actually had an offense. But the Rod man bolted for the maize and blue, and some crazy old grandpa is calling the shots for the Mountaineers now. Let’s start the winning with UNDER 55.

Temple at Akron

The Owls vs. the Zips: What a mascot matchup this is. Yes, Temple really has a football team. And what’s more, they’re 7-2 on the year and likely headed for their first bowl game since a 1979 appearance in the Garden State Bowl. Since I’ve already told you way more than you ever cared to know about Temple football, let’s get on with the pick: Take the Zips +4 (that’s Akron).

SATURDAY

This is the time of the year when the bookies start taking back all the money that the fortunate fools may have won through the year. Trends get erased. Balance returns to the system. Winners lose. Losers win. They don’t have all those bright lights in Vegas because people win money all the time. No, people lose. And lose big. So we’re going into the weekend with The System giving extra weight to those games that “everyone” thinks will go a certain way.

Syracuse at Louisville

One sports book told me on the sly (aka “the Internet”) that 100 percent of money wagered so far is on the Over in this game, with nothing on Under. Egad, man. That’s insane. The total is currently at 47.5, and I’m not sure either of these teams is capable of putting together enough decent football to get the total that high. Let’s go the other way and take UNDER 47.5.

Clemson at N.C. State

Clemson is like a broken record, and I hate saying that because their head coach, Dabo Swinney, is a Crimson Tide man. But let’s see if this sounds familiar: Stellar recruiting class followed by preseason hype followed by heartbreaking early season losses followed by a mid-season rally that ends with an end-of-year collapse. A Clemson grad once told me that Clemson was “The Harvard of the South.” I think he meant that Clemson is the “Auburn of South Carolina.” Take a rallying N.C. State +8.

Kentucky at Vanderbilt

There’s absolutely nothing about this matchup that excites me, but Dan says I should stop taking favorites on the road. After the past two weeks, I’m starting to believe him. So here we have one bad team getting points at home against another bad team. I’ll take those points: Vandy +4.

Florida at South Carolina

Florida is the defending national champion, has won two of the past three championships, and is pretty much the consensus pick as the best team in the country. So they must have really been wearing some teams out, right? Not really. They’ve won every game, and that’s commendable, but their only blowouts this year have come against Charleston Southern, Troy, Kentucky, Georgia and Vandy, five really bad teams. South Carolina’s losses have all been giveaways with unbelievable mistakes and costly turnovers. South Carolina has a stout defense and should be able to slow Florida down. This one stays low, too: Take the UNDER 42.5.

Idaho at Boise St.

Boise was our only TWINNER loss last week after giving away a sure cover with a late pick 6 that totally changed the whole game. But that was Boise on the road. This week, the Broncos return to the abominable home blue turf that makes every game an eyesore to watch. They’re matched against in-state rival Idaho, and this one should be a blowout: Take Boise St. -31.

SUNDAY

Anytime I see the betting public in general thinking that a Las Vegas line is out of whack, it pricks my gambling ears up a little bit. The betting public in general is full of idiots, sometimes including myself, and Las Vegas odds makers generally know what they’re doing.

So far this year, we’ve played a lot of favorites in the NFL, and despite the early season trend of favorites covering the line, we’ve pretty much had our asses handed to us by The Man. So this weekend, while I’m kicking back on the boat in front of the big screen, I’m going to have all my Washington’s riding on the opposite side of the games that everyone else is laying heavy on.

So, I’ll spare you the commentary this week and give you NOTHING BUT WINNERS, BABY:

• Jets & Jaguars UNDER 40.5.
• Redskins +4.5 vs the Broncos
• St. Louis +13.5 at the Rams
• Green Bay +3 vs. the Cowboys AND Under 47.5
• Cleveland +10.5 vs Baltimore

Mmmm… Smell those dogs cooking up nicely? It’s going to be a Game Day Bookie Barbeque when all these winners start rolling in on Sunday, and I’m going to be right there on the boat in front of the big screen (that I paid for) watching The Man crumble in the wake of my awesomeness.

Have you ever seen the movie The Cooler with William H. Macy? Macy’s character works in a casino, and is so unlucky, the people around him contract it by osmosis. The casino hires him to walk by tables that are hot to cool down players on a streak.

I am The Cooler of fantasy football.

I picked up Brian Westbrook a few weeks back. After three nice runs, Westbrook had to be removed from the game for a concussion. Almost every player on my team has spent a significant portion of time injured this year (Marion Barber, Kevin Smith, Calvin Johnson, and now Vernon Davis). But fret not… their suffering does end. When I release players into the wild, they return to their former glory. Take Larry Fitzgerald. After two weeks of lackluster performances, I traded Fitz to bolster my running attack – only to watch him bust out for 123 yards and two TDs. I did get Ray Rice in return… and while Rice didn’t have a bad day, per se (it was certainly helped by a big 35 yard catch at the end), I’m waiting for the inevitable WILLIS MCGAHEE STABS RAY RICE OUT OF JEALOUSY headline that’s bound to be waiting for me tomorrow.

I’m concerned – and not just because my fantasy team is x-x… but because I’m due to go to Vegas with my brother in two weeks. If I continue to be enveloped in this aura of putridity*, then not only am I guaranteed to lose a bundle, but so too is my brother by association.

This may not end well for me.

*[By the way, I thought I made up a new word in “putridity,” but was surprised when the spell checker didn’t throw that squiggly red underline beneath it. Turns out it exists… huh. Learn something new every day.] 

**** 

Speaking of which, let’s figure out what other lessons I came away with for Week 9: 

Hey, Ryan Moats! You just got handed a significant portion of your team’s carries with the possibility you’ll be the featured back for Houston! What are you going to do? 

I’m going to cough up the ball on the goal line! 

Fret not, Slaton owners – Steve will be back in the proverbial cat bird’s seat soon enough – maybe as soon as after the bye. On the downside, he will still suck and cost you points via his fumbles.

****

The clock is running out for Calvin Johnson. I had the chance to trade him last week for Miles Austin and passed… convinced that I would see glimpses of his former self this past week.

I didn’t.

He was getting double teamed at almost every turn… and when he wasn’t, he simply wasn’t on the same page.

I really want to keep him, though – if for no other reason than I KNOW that as soon as I trade him, he’s going to regain his ol’ Megatron form (see above references to: luck, shitty).

****

Coming off a five-interception crapfest, how do you explain Kurt Warner’s five-touchdown renaissance? No idea (and no, I didn’t have him and trade him… though that seemed to be the most plausible explanation, didn’t it?). You can’t know who you’re getting from one week to the next with that guy. Still, with the remaining schedule he and the Cardinals have (@Sea, @Ten, Min, @SF, @Det, StL and GB), hard not to think he’s going to be a monster for the rest of the year.

****

I have to admit, barring assault and battery, Ray Rice was a good return for Fitzgerald. Can’t complain… the guy had an atrocious game on Sunday and I still got 18 points out of him.

Speaking of which, I feel very sorry for Cleveland when a pissed-off Ravens team comes into town next week and blows them to smithereens.

****

Oh, and people don’t use the word “smithereens” enough anymore. I’m lobbying to bring it back.

****

I didn’t even see the Reggie Wayne touchdown and I feel confident enough to say: Reggie, don’t throw any more passes.

****

Speaking of double teams, does any guy get double teamed as much and consistently perform as well as Andre Johnson (10 catches, 103 yards on Sunday)? The guy coughs up blood and still plays. The guy commands 2-3 defensive guys. Still performs. He’s amazing.

****

You should not own any Giants at this point… and that includes Brandon Jacobs (but you knew that) and Steve Smith. You still may be able to squeeze a few drops of value out of Smith. Do it now before it’s too late (didn’t I tell you to do this weeks ago, by the way?).

****

Not a ton of guys worth picking up off the waiver wire, but if you need a running back, you could do worse than LeSean McCoy. If Westbrook stays hurt (and indications are he will… forever), McCoy will give you decent numbers (especially with San Diego’s terrible D coming up).

****

Eli Manning is the worst clock manager in all of football. Seriously, does another offense get that many delay of game penalties called on them?

The worst part is that after it happens, he always makes a face… as if to say “What? They’re timing these things now?”

Every single time.

****

Vernon Davis is a beast. And he’s only getting better.

Oh, but in case you have Vernon Davis and are wondering how he’s listed as Questionable on the Injury Report this week, it’s because he’s on my team.

Sorry… putridity by association.

****

This was the third time in the last six games that Ryan Grant has come within 10 yards of breaking 100. Frustrating, I know.

Why does this keep happening, you ask?

Because I have RG on my team.

Sorry, fellow Grant owners… putridity by association.

Y’know what, at this point, let’s just call it PBA… it’ll save me a lot of time.

(Sigh)

Until next week.