Quarterbacks

Can’t Miss Starters

Peyton Manning IND at TEN
Matt Schaub HOU at AZ
Kurt Warner AZ vs. HOU
Joe Flacco BAL vs. CIN

Strong Starters

Tony Romo DAL at KC
Ben Roethlisberger PIT at DET
Tom Brady NE at DEN
Donovan McNabb PHI vs. TB

Borderline Starters

Eli Manning NYG vs. OAK (if he starts)
Brett Favre MIN at STL
David Garrard JAC at SEA
Carson Palmer CIN at BAL
Matt Ryan ATL at SF
Matt Hasselbeck SEA vs. JAC
Derek Anderson CLE at BUF
Shaun Hill SF vs. ATL

Weak Starters

Jake Delhomme CAR vs. WAS
Trent Edwards BUF vs. CLE
Mark Sanchez NYJ at MIA
Kyle Orton DEN vs. NE
Kerry Collins TEN vs. IND

Bench Warmers

Jason Campbell WAS at CAR
Josh Johnson TB at PHI
Matt Cassel KC vs. DAL
Matthew Stafford DET vs. PIT
Chad Henne MIA vs. NYJ
JaMarcus Russell OAK at NYG

Runningbacks

Can’t Miss Starters

Chris Johnson TEN vs. IND
Rashard Mendenhall PIT at DET (assuming Parker is out)
Maurice Jones-Drew JAC at SEA
Adrian Peterson MIN at STL (May see a little more Chester Taylor this week)
Brandon Jacobs NYG vs. OAK
DeAngelo Williams CAR vs. WAS

Strong Starters

Glen Coffee SF vs. ATL
Michael Turner ATL at SF
Clinton Portis WAS at CAR
Steve Slaton HOU at AZ
Ray Rice BAL vs. CIN
Ronnie Brown MIA vs. NYJ
Tim Hightower AZ vs. HOU
Willis McGahee BAL vs. CIN

Borderline Starters

Jerome Harrison CLE at BUF
Julius Jones SEA vs. JAC
Knowshon Moreno DEN vs. NE
Marion Barber DAL at KC
Marshawn Lynch BUF vs. CLE
Tashard Choice DAL at KC
Ahmad Bradshaw NYG vs. OAK
Steven Jackson STL vs. MIN
Larry Johnson KC vs. DAL
Fred Jackson BUF vs. CLE
Brian Westbrook PHI vs. TB
Joseph Addai IND at TEN
Donald Brown IND at TEN
Thomas Jones NYJ at MIA
Cedric Benson CIN at BAL
Kevin Smith DET vs. PIT

Weak Starters

Cadillac Williams TB at PHI
Justin Fargas OAK at NYG
Mewelde Moore PIT at DET
LeSean McCoy PHI vs. TB
Michael Bush OAK at NYG
Ricky Williams MIA vs. NYJ
Chris Wells AZ vs. HOU
Fred Taylor NE at DEN
Jonathan Stewart CAR vs. WAS

Bench Warmers

Leon Washington NYJ at MIA
LenDale White TEN vs. IND
Chester Taylor MIN at STL
Sammy Morris NE at DEN
Kevin Faulk NE at DEN
Earnest Graham TB at PHI
Jason Snellings ATL at SF
Ladell Betts WAS at CAR
Ryan Moats HOU at AZ
Laurence Maroney NE at DEN
LaMont Jordan DEN vs. NE
Jamaal Charles KC vs. DAL
Maurice Morris DET vs. PIT
Aaron Brown DET vs. PIT
Jerious Norwood ATL at SF
Bernard Scott CIN at BAL
Justin Forsett SEA vs. JAC
Kory Sheets SF vs. ATL
Shonn Greene NYJ at MIA
Le’Ron McClain BAL vs. CIN
Edgerrin James SEA vs. JAC

Wide Receivers

Can’t Miss Starters

Reggie Wayne IND at TEN
Andre Johnson HOU at AZ
Larry Fitzgerald AZ vs. HOU
Anquan Boldin AZ vs. HOU
Randy Moss NE at DEN

Strong Starters

Calvin Johnson DET vs. PIT
Steve Smith CAR vs. WAS
Steven Smith NYG vs. OAK
DeSean Jackson PHI vs. TB
Chad Johnson CIN at BAL
Roddy White ATL at SF
Hines Ward PIT at DET
Santonio Holmes PIT at DET
Brandon Marshall DEN vs. NE
Mike Sims-Walker JAC at SEA
Wes Welker NE at DEN
T.J. Houshmandzadeh SEA vs. JAC
Jerricho Cotchery NYJ at MIA
Mario Manningham NYG vs. OAK
Kevin Walter HOU at AZ
Bernard Berrian MIN at STL
Terrell Owens BUF vs. CLE
Derrick Mason BAL vs. CIN
Pierre Garcon IND at TEN
Santana Moss WAS at CAR

Borderline Starters

Percy Harvin MIN at STL
Nate Burleson SEA vs. JAC
Sidney Rice MIN at STL
Donnie Avery STL vs. MIN
Patrick Crayton DAL at KC
Austin Collie IND at TEN
Mohamed Massaquoi CLE at BUF
Lee Evans BUF vs. CLE
Dwayne Bowe KC vs. DAL
Torry Holt JAC at SEA
Steve Breaston AZ vs. HOU
Isaac Bruce SF vs. ATL
Josh Morgan SF vs. ATL
Muhsin Muhammad CAR vs. WAS
Antwaan Randle El WAS at CAR
Davone Bess MIA vs. NYJ
Michael Jenkins ATL at SF
Justin Gage TEN vs. IND
Jason Avant PHI vs. TB

Weak Starters

Mark Clayton BAL vs. CIN
Sam Hurd DAL at KC
Hakeem Nicks NYG vs. OAK
Antonio Bryant TB at PHI
Nate Washington TEN vs. IND
Mike Wallace PIT at DET
Braylon Edwards NYJ at MIA
Kenny Britt TEN vs. IND
Chansi Stuckey CLE at BUF
Jacoby Jones HOU at AZ
Ted Ginn MIA vs. NYJ
Andre Caldwell CIN at BAL
Jeremy Maclin PHI vs. TB
Miles Austin DAL at KC
Roy Williams DAL at KC
Chris Henry CIN at BAL
Eddie Royal DEN vs. NE
Laveranues Coles CIN at BAL

Bench Warmers

Mark Bradley KC vs. DAL
Julian Edelman NE at DEN
Bryant Johnson DET vs. PIT
Jabar Gaffney DEN vs. NE
Kelley Washington BAL vs. CIN
Michael Clayton TB at PHI
Louis Murphy OAK at NYG
Bobby Wade KC vs. DAL
Josh Cribbs CLE at BUF

Tight Ends

Can’t Miss Starters

Dallas Clark IND at TEN
Tony Gonzalez ATL at SF

Strong Starters

Brent Celek PHI vs. TB
Jason Witten DAL at KC
Chris Cooley WAS at CAR
John Carlson SEA vs. JAC
Vernon Davis SF vs. ATL

Borderline Starters

Kellen Winslow TB at PHI
Owen Daniels HOU at AZ
Dustin Keller NYJ at MIA
Heath Miller PIT at DET

Weak Starters

Visanthe Shiancoe MIN at STL
Marcedes Lewis JAC at SEA
Todd Heap BAL vs. CIN
Ben Watson NE at DEN

Bench Warmers

Dante Rosario CAR vs. WAS
Anthony Fasano MIA vs. NYJ
Zach Miller OAK at NYG
Kevin Boss NYG vs. OAK
Daniel Fells STL vs. MIN

Kickers

Flip a coin.

Defense

Can’t Miss Starters

New York Giants vs. Oakland
Minnesota at St. Louis
Pittsburgh at Detroit
Philadelphia vs. Tampa Bay

Strong Starters

Baltimore vs. Cincinnati
New York Jets at Miami
Dallas at Kansas City

Borderline Starters

San Francisco vs. Atlanta
Carolina vs. Washington
Buffalo vs. Cleveland
Atlanta at San Francisco
Indianapolis at Tennessee
New England at Denver
Denver vs. New England
Washington at Carolina

Weak Starters

Miami vs. New York Jets
Arizona vs. Houston
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Jacksonville at Seattle
Cleveland at Buffalo
Tennessee vs. Indianapolis

Bench Warmers

Houston at Arizona
Kansas City vs. Dallas
Seattle at Indianapolis
Oakland at New York Giants
Detroit vs. Pittsburgh
St. Louis vs. Minnesota
Tampa Bay at Philadelphia

“It’s easy to have faith in yourself and have discipline when you’re a winner, when you’re number one. What you got to have is faith and discipline when you’re not a winner.”
- Vince Lombardi

There comes a time when you look back over your performance for the past few weeks, and something starts to stand out. You can still taste the really close losses. Some of the shine on the wins has begun to fade, but not all of them. There were a couple of games you picked that were brilliant, and you still know just how right you were. You called it.

So in the spirit of constant improvement, we have conducted a thorough, in-depth review of our two-week run here on rotoholics.com, and all our experts agree that we have identified a clear, irrefutable fact: We’re due. Oh, man, are we due! We’ve been tearing through these first games at a perfectly flat pace just like a fighter jet screaming down the runway, and we’re about to take off.

QUICK REVIEW

Regular Picks:   6-5

BONUS Pick:    0-1 (Jets/Saints over)

D-D LOCK:       0-1 (Sooners -7’ at Miami)

TWINNERS: 1-0 (Ohio State -18’)

WEEK TOTAL:  7-7 (pathetic crap)

SEASON:         12-12 (embarrassment)

Bankroll: -$1,200 (all juice)

“We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.”
-Vince Lombardi

I could whine about the Ravens (+2) driving to score a game winner with half a minute left when on fourth and three in the red zone, Flacco hit Mark Clayton for an easy first down pass, and Clayton dropped the freakin’ ball. Catch it with your hands, idiot. Your shoulder pads don’t have hands.

But we’re about winning, not whining, so we’ll focus very little on the fact that several of our other teams had comfortable early leads only to have everything fall completely apart rather suddenly and mysteriously. It must have been solar flares, or perhaps the waning gibbous.

Luckily, if you’re following Jimmy the Geek on Twitter, you got last’s night’s TWINNER, Nebraska -3.5, and you’re already up. It’s time to start getting your game face ready.

SATURDAY

Auburn at Arkansas (+2.5), Noon ET on ESPN

Auburn is 5-0 with wins over Tennessee and West Virginia. Most years, that’s Top 10, no questions asked, but Auburn finds itself once again struggling for national respect. Auburn’s defense hasn’t played well, Arkansas is much worse. Former Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville recently said Arkansas’ defense “can’t stop a cold.” What?

Anyway, let’s not forget that Auburn offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn spent his torturous first college tenure as offensive coordinator at Arkansas reportedly being called “high school” by other members of the (now departed) Houston Nutt coaching staff. There are a lot more interesting story lines in this one, too, but Auburn will come out on top in a shootout. Take the Tigers -2.5.

Alabama at Ole Miss (+5.5), 3:30 ET on CBS

This is tearing me apart. I love Alabama football, so my passion is creeping over into my business stuff. But who am I to question a system? Let’s remember that Tim Brando, the host of CBS college football, said emphatically a few weeks ago that “on paper, Ole Miss is more talented than Alabama.” He must have been referring to his rolling papers, because he was obviously smoking something. Or is it just because his daughter is an Ole Miss student? Like I said: Ole Miss fans, last year is as good as it gets for you. Alabama rolls: Crimson Tide -5.5.

Michigan at Iowa (-8), 8 p.m. ET on ABC

I don’t think I’d watch this game if they were playing in my back yard. Still, Michigan is better. Wolverines +8.

Georgia Tech at FSU (+3), 8 p.m. ET on ESPN2

Bobby Bowden was asked a legitimate question about his future by a female reporter and, after a curt response chiding the question itself, uttered the phrase, “just like a woman.” Nice, Bobby. Why don’t you send her off to get you a cup of coffee and slap her on the ass for good measure? FSU’s coaching staff is in turmoil … Jackets -3.

Florida -7.5 at LSU, 8 p.m. ET on CBS

Anyone who thinks home field advantage makes a difference in the NFL should watch this game. A Saturday night game in Baton Rouge is one of the rowdiest, noisiest events anywhere. LSU fans will start with Bloody Marys in the morning, devour fantastic food and drink all day, and this stadium will be on fire when the game starts, most likely with a young Florida quarterback making his first big-time start while.

At some point late in the game, with the score close, The Hat will make some boneheaded, roll-the-dice call that will leave everyone baffled. If he gets lucky, he wins. If not, he loses. Either way, this one stays close: Tigers +7.5

SUNDAY

“Even the losers get lucky sometimes.”
- Tom Petty

After several heartbreakers last week, Sunday looks like one of those special days when you know going in that, even if you lose every game, you won so much on Saturday that it doesn’t matter. You make your first flip through all the early NFL games when the scores are just starting to post, and everything looks pretty good. As the day passes and more points pile up, things keep going your way and you feel smarter and better looking by the minute.

Maybe you’ll have a beer. Maybe you’ve already had several. Maybe it’s Wing Day with some extra ranch dressing, or the special cheese dip she makes with the little tomato chunks and the sour cream layered in… Whatever it is at your house, it’s Sunday, and it all tastes sweeter with a day full of winners.

Minnesota at St. Louis (+10)

Brett “There is an “I” in ‘win’” Favre was every bit as good as he thinks he is last week, making a pretty good Packers team look like Vienna sausages. This week would normally be a let-down game, but this Rams team is so bad that it won’t matter if the Vikings don’t show up 100%. Lay the 10 and take Green Bay.

Oakland at NY Giants (-15.5)

Is there anything better than having the guts to ride out a hot streak for all it’s worth? Most people want to pull some chips back after a few hot hands. We call those people “losers.” Giants have won two in a row for us, but can they make it three with a questionable Eli? Gary Myers of the New York Daily News thinks so. He said backup David Carr “can win this game. Heck, Joe Pisarcik can win this game.” (link). Oakland is terrible and will remain terrible as long as Jamarcus Russell is involved. Let’s make it three covers in a row: Giants -15.5.

New England at Denver (+3.5)

Whoever said Tom Brady was washed up is an idiot. Get ready for the Wes Walker show Sunday afternoon at Mile High – Patriots -3.5.

Indianapolis at Tennessee

Las Vegas seems to be holding on to some shred of hope that Tennessee really isn’t as bad as they looked this year, that this may be the game when they finally step it up at home. The system knows better. The Colts offense is clicking this year and will have no trouble putting away a shaky Titans team. Colts -4.5

New York Jets at Miami (+1.5)

The Jets met their match last week against high-powered New Orleans, but Miami doesn’t have nearly the guns. The key matchup here will be the Jets defense against the Miami ground game. New York should control the line of scrimmage and muscle out a victory in this one: Jets -1.5

WEEKEND UPDATE

Bad news, sports fans. Jimmy has to take a little road trip this weekend. There’s a good chance that come kickoff, I’ll be somewhere that would frown on my usual Game Day indulgence of Smirnoff, Mountain Dew and buckets of buffalo wings and ranch dressing. But don’t you worry – I’ll be keeping a close eye, or at least an ear, on the developments, and if any new winners pop up, I’ll tweet as many as possible, but I apologize in advance if my usual twitter hilarity is stifled somewhat by sobriety.

To recap, here are this week’s winners:

Auburn -2.5 at Arkansas, Noon ET on ESPN

Alabama -5.5 at Ole Miss, 3:30 ET on CBS

Michigan +8 at Iowa, 8 p.m. ET on ABC

Georgia Tech -3 at FSU

LSU +7.5 vs Florida

Minnesota -10 at St. Louis

New York Giants -15.5 vs Oakland

New England -3.5 at Denver

Indianapolis -4.5 at Tennessee

New York Jets -1.5 at Miami

MAIL BAG

Jimmy,

You’re an idiot. I jumped off your bandwagon as soon as Virginia (+13.5) won outright at North Carolina.
- R

R: Quitters are losers. Have fun in loserville.

Jimmy,

That was brilliant picking Nebraska for your TWINNER last night. How’d you know?
- T

T: Pelini coached under Saban – that’s all I need to know.

Now, here’s the moderator, John McLaughlin.

John McLaughlin: Issue 1: Is Matt Forte back?

Pat Buchanan: Well I think he can build off of—

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Freddie the Beetle Barnes!

Fred Barnes: His first touchdown shows…

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Mor-tone!

Morton Kondracke: Probably not.

John McLaughlin: Not negative enough! Eleanor Clift…

Eleanor Clift: Well, 121 yards and a TD on 12 carries seems good…

John McLaughlin: Wrong! The correct answer is ‘bullshit!’ Three reasons I’m skeptical: (1) it was against the Lions; (2) one of those carries was for about 65 yards; and (3) on that big run, he didn’t have enough gas to get all the way to the end zone. I’m worried about that knee.

Issue 2: Don’t you get the feeling that Indy’s Donald Brown is sort of like that Roy Hobbes guy and Joe Addai is Bump Bailey? And that he’s wishing this was arena football, so maybe Addai would crash through one of those walls on the field so he could get the regular gig? Eleanor…

Eleanor Clift: Um… yes?

John McLaughlin: Correct! Issue 3: Every time I hear about the Titans’ struggles, I also hear ‘but you can’t blame this on Fisher. He’s not the problem.’ How the hell did this guy become untouchable? Pat Buchanan…

Pat Buchanan: Good question. I’m not really sure. In Fisher’s 12 years in Tennessee, the Titans have finished first three times, including only once in the past six. He had a great run from 1999-2002, losing the Super Bowl by one yard, and then losing in Divisional and AFC Championship games. But since then, he’s seemed to underwhelm despite a fairly robust amount of talent.

The 0-4 start this year is downright ugly… and while I do believe the team needs to make changes at QB if they’re ever going to get things going again, Fisher should be watching his back, in my opinion.

John McLaughlin: Welcome to new panelist, Shannon Sharpe. Why don’t you tackle Issue 4: Is Iran clearly in violation of the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty?

Shannon Sharpe: Yes, it is. And it also had to declare the decision to build the site, which it didn’t. This is the third time they’ve been called out: In 2002, on a covert program; in 2003, on a program to try to develop a warhead to get on a Shahab missile; and now. And there are probably other secret programs we don’t know about.

John McLaughlin: [staring in jaw-dropped disbelief] Um… lucky guess. Issue 5: Seriously, what’s the deal with those red challenge flag thingees? Freddie Barnes…

Fred Barnes: No idea, John. One week after chastising Bill Belichick for tucking the thing down into his socks, the Vikings’ “Check Out the Big Brain On” Brad Childress couldn’t pull it out of his hip pocket fast enough to challenge a clearly-trapped catch by the Packers. It ended up not costing them, because Rodgers was intercepted on the next play. But still…

John McLaughlin: What’s the solve, Eleanor Clift?

Eleanor Clift: Hang it around your neck?

John McLaughlin: Wrong. The answer is: use one of those industrial-looking doohickeys that janitors use to clip that big stash of keys to their belt. Issue 6: Is Steve Smith really the best fantasy wide receiver in the league? Mor-tone!

Morton Kondracke: I went nuts last week and traded Smith away despite loving him, despite being a huge Giants fan and depriving myself of his 11 catch-134 yard-2 TD performance in the process. I know, I know… but be forewarned: Smith may end up being a solid receiver this year, but he’s due for a precipitous drop-off soon. See: Eli Manning and his bad weather issues, the return of the rest of the Giants receiving corps and an eventual return to Giants smash mouth football.

John McLaughlin: Correct! So, who are you picking up this week? Pat Buchanan…

Pat Buchanan: Mohamed Massaquoi. Eight catches last week for 148 yards. And most important, no more Braylon ‘The Puncher’ Edwards. We know the Browns will throw, and throw often. Massaquoi is gonna be The Man.

Morton Kondracke: I’m taking Braylon. He may not blow up this week, but he’ll soon become a top target for Dirty Sanchez.

Eleanor Clift: Rashard Mendenhall. 165 yards and two touchdowns!! Who cares about Willie Parker’s health? The Steelers hadn’t been able to run until last week, and it was killing them. They can’t afford to turn away from something that’s actually worked.

John McLaughlin: The answer is… Mike Sims-Walker !

Until next week.