Cowards die many times before their deaths…………

My fantasy team is the Breesettes. But is my namesake worthy? Against the undefeated Giants no less? Perhaps not. Then again, maybe so.

For the first two weeks of the season, Drew Brees delivered me on a winged chariot to the 2-0 Promised Land. Lately, however, Brees has struck out. He sputtered versus the lost and drifting Bills o’ Buffalo laying me an egg of five yolky fantasy points and making Lawrence Tynes a more valuable contributor. On Week 4 he played the Rex Ryan blitz-happy Jets. More of the same. Mr. Brees, where is your work pail? Go to work young man and bring me back more than 8 measly points! In fact, Drew, don’t come back until you’ve got double digits.

And “don’t come back” he did, leaving me week five with a bye. Oh no!

But wait, I have a brilliant back up, the legendary, the Hall of FAME, the gunslinger Brett Favre!!!!! I had Brett Favre, who had shredded the Packers just a week before his needed services on the Breesettes. He virtually had his own scoreboard on my bench as he threw for 29 porcelain shiny new fantasy points in week 4. Surely Favre would bring his lunch pail and his wranglers to week 5. Surely the legend wouldn’t leave me with another lackluster QB performance. I have Favre! He’s my sub. He was forty (well, almost forty)… shouldn’t that be worth at least twenty points right there? FAVRE, he who would certainly make mince meat of the ramshackle, debacle, can’t even tackle, Rams. Right? Right? Wrong. Yes, WRONG.

Wrong because I was following “Fantasy Logic”. That’s right. Say it three times aloud. Fantasy logic. Fantasy logic! Fantasy logic? Ah ha. There it is. A conundrum. Fantasy is both illogical and fanciful. Logic is neither fanciful nor illogical. You may be tempted to trust logic in fantasy, but what you should trust most is something closer to lady luck. That’s why you have me.  I may not be the most skilled at selecting your bye week tight-end replacement or solving your Brian Westbrook injury problems, but you have me to comfort you after all of your guffaws, blunders and losses. You have me when you are cut and scraped and all your logic has been scooped out of your head like a melon ball. You have me to tell you that it’s not your fault.  I will put a band-aid on it, kiss it, and make it better. I will tell you that you are not stupid but rather just unlucky, the victim of believing in fantasy logic.

You are not stupid, just unlucky that Rashard Mendenhall had a career day on your bench. You are not stupid, just unlucky that some guy named Ryan picked up Austin Collie when the only Collie you knew was Lassie. You are not stupid, just unlucky that the 49er’s defense was picked up on the waiver wire to play your bullet proof army of Drew Brees loving fantasy football Rockettes on a week where the St. Louis Rams thought they were on bye. I, fantasy maverick, will pick you up as you lie face down in the mud and tell you that fantasy logic is neither. Fantasy logic is a paradox, or is it an oxymoron, or are you the oxy moron?

Ever week we fantasy players are faced with a problem of monumental proportions, will we bite, will we believe, will we bow to fantasy logic? Will we let it hurt us, reducing us to pagans of the fantasy faith, smiting down our statistical truths? Or will we fight back with such strange things as Tony Romo’s not so anomalous anomaly of a 4th quarter against the Chiefs, showing once again, that Tony Romo is who we thought he was… or wasn’t.I thought he was Jessie’s guy. But what do I know about Romo other than he was better when we was playing for nookie. Which brings me back to why my guy, Drew Brees may, or may not, be amazing this week against a well rested Giants squad.

I have to trust that Sean Peyton will let the Saints go marching and also trust that the Giants fierce D will not be stingier than the Bills or the Jets. I have to trust that the BIGGEST offense, in the BIG EASY, will give me Big Numbers and not that they will hand off to Thomas and Bush, play field position, and let the defense win in a low scoring affair. I have to hope that Eli Manning is toasting Hurricanes with Mathias Kiwanuka and that Osi Umenyiora forgets his five hour energy on the bus or in New York. Are these things logical possibilities? Maybe. Looking back on The Breesettes (now 3-2) I see it was my fault that I didn’t change my team’s name out of deference to my legend from “The Breesettes” to The “Favrettes”. I cost my team game 5 by altering Favre’s play with my clear disrespect. He has since been dropped, even if it was my fault. So for you Rick Reilly I am changing my team this week, or weak, to my most courageous contributor’s namesake, THE NEW YORK TYNES.

IN THE BLACK

For most people, an 8-4 week after a lackluster .500 start would be a cause for celebration, a chance to pick up some cabbage and blow it on frivolous things before the next weekend even begins. For someone with an unhealthy obsession on winning (and wings), it’s a chance to snuggle up with a bucket of ranch dressing and figure out what went wrong in our four losers.

First, let’s get to the rundown. We opened the weekend 12-12 overall, so at a dime a bet, we’re down $1,200.

REVIEW

Regular Picks:   6-4

TWINNERs:       2-0

Week total:       8-4  (+ $3,600)

So far this season: + $2,400.

Things we won’t whine about:

• Picking Florida on Friday then finding out before game time that Tebow is going to start after all.
• Losing NFL games to Kyle Orton and Chad Henne. Ouch.

So far this week, our TWINNERs are 1-1 with the first TWINNER loss of the year coming last night with South Florida.

SATURDAY

Now that we’re back in the black and we have a couple of dimes to play with, we’ve reached the time of the season when lesser players begin to run out of brains and/or money and start falling off the wagon. Your bookie’s pockets are loaded, so it’s a perfect time for a hot streak.

“You never win a game unless you beat the guy in front of you. …You’ve got to win the war with the man in front of you. You’ve got to get your man.”

- Vince Lombardi

Oklahoma vs Texas (from Dallas) – Noon ET, ABC

So far this year, these teams are combined 2-7 against the spread with only one win each. Yikes. Many think this game will decide who gets to play the SEC champ in the BCS title game, but what most people think in October usually turns out wrong. Sooner QB Sam Bradford returned last week after two weeks injured to lead Oklahoma to a comfortable yet lackluster win over Baylor. Vegas has the Longhorns as a 3-point, neutral-field favorite. That’s way too low. Oklahoma is not nearly as big and strong up front as they were last year. They’ve lost two games, so national championship hopes are out the window. With a lot still on the table to play for, Texas rolls: Take the Longhorns -3.

Iowa at Wisconsin – Noon ET, ESPN

In 2002, Head Coach Kirk Ferentz led the Hawkeyes to an 11-1 season and a share of the Big 10 title. NFL coaching rumors were rampant, and the school locked Ferentz in with a huge, long-term contract. They’ve pretty much sucked ever since, and Kirk’s job opportunity phone isn’t ringing very often these days. Last week, we told you Michigan was better than Iowa, and the 8-point dogs won outright. Well, Wisconsin is also better than Iowa – take the Badgers -2.5.

Mississippi St. at Middle Tennessee St. – 12:30 PM ET   (**** DOUBLE-DOWN LOCK ****)

I usually like to stick to the bigger games so you can maximize your enjoyment by watching your winners live on national television, but every now and then a lesser game comes around with a point spread so wrong that The System simply demands we throw down on it. The MTSU Blue Raiders have looked impressive in a couple of games this year, and they’ll have their game faces on for an SEC opponent Saturday. But Dan Mullen has found an offense from amid the rubble left by Sylvester Croom in Starkville, and Mississippi State will win this one going away: Bulldogs -4.5

USC at Notre Dame – 3:30 PM ET, NBC

My, my, my. Little Jimmy Clausen has pranced his way into the Heisman talk, and Notre Dame sits at 4-1 ranked 25^th in the nation. Lou Holtz would probably crown them today if he had the chance. What a joke. Notre Dame is a bad football team. Their defense is terrible. Their offense has flash but won’t stand a chance against USC. Charley Weiss has been terrible since day 1, and that won’t change on Saturday. This one will be over by the second quarter. Go Trojans: -10.

Kentucky at Auburn

Auburn broke our hearts last week by getting walloped at Arkansas, but the Tigers return to the friendly confines of Jordan-Hare stadium Saturday, where they pack a powerful offensive punch. That should be enough to power them past the Wildcats. Any reason Kentucky might have had to give it their all this year has been buried under a pile of losses. Take the Tigers -13.5.

SUNDAY

This is a tough Sunday for the system. Several teams that have appeared downright awful are starting to show signs of life. Detroit and Kansas City have both climbed up to the “looking good in defeat” stage. So who is out there we can count on for a loss? Who is left that is so bad that, no matter how hard they try, they will never do anything but suck and lose and get beaten every time they take the field? I’ll tell you who – Jamarcus Russell.

Carolina at Tampa Bay

Tampa is bad, really bad. But they’re not bad enough to lose every game. This should be the week they mark one down in the win column: Take the points at home – Bucs +3.5

New York at New Orleans

New York has covered for us three straight weeks in fairly convincing fashion. This week, the Giants find themselves getting three and a half at offensive powerhouse New Orleans. Eli’s heel is still a little dinged up, but he didn’t get enough of a workout last week to matter. He should be fresh, and the Giants are the better team in this one. We’ll keep riding this train until it stops: Giants +3.

Philly at Oakland

Sit down, Ryan Leaf. Jamarcus Russell will go down in history as the worst quarterback ever selected at or even near the top of the NFL draft. This guy was not very good in college, and he’s even worse in the NFL. And the cast of characters around him is just as bad as he is. Assistant coaches fighting in the locker roomand an owner that should be a character on the Simpsons… Oakland is bad. Lay the points on the road: Philly -14.

Chicago at Atlanta (Sunday night)

Dome, sweet Dome for the Falcons as they welcome the Chicago Bears to the Georgia Dome for a Sunday night special. Atlanta has managed to hide most of their holes on defense, but Cutler has the cannon to expose most of them. The Falcon’s big-play machine was in fine form last week at San Fran, so we look for both of these teams to move the ball. At the end, Atlanta simply has more weapons: Falcons -3.5.

Denver at San Diego

Just six weeks into the season, and Denver has a strangle-hold in the AFC west at an amazing 5-0. At 2-2, the Chargers are standing in Bronco dust and wondering what happened to the division lead. Denver doesn’t need this game, surprisingly enough, and they’re coming off a huge emotional win at home over the Patriots last week. I smell a letdown. Take the Chargers -3.5.

Back home this weekend

After a nice trek through the North Carolina foliage last weekend, I’m back where I belong for game day this week: In the delicious ass-groove of my couch with wings and ranch in reach. Stay in touch with game day hilarity and easy-money TWINNERs by following Jimmy_Geek on Twitter. Let’s go do some winning.

MAIL BAG

I think Jimmy needs to start including home field advantage in his models. Way too many road covers.
- D

D: Road covers were 5-3 last week. Home dogs were 0-1. Thanks for your input, even though it’s worthless.

Jimmy,
Should I buy the half?
-L

L: Rarely, but if you must, be sure you buy to push on 3, 7 or maybe 10, and never buy to win.

Recap:

Texas -3 vs Oklahoma

Wisconsin -2.5 vs Iowa

Mississippi St. -4.5 at Middle Tennessee State (DOUBLE-DOWN LOCK)

USC -10 at Notre Dame

Auburn -13.5 vs Kentucky

Tampa Bay +3.5 vs Carolina

New York Giants +3 at New Orleans

Philadelphia -14 at Oakland

Atlanta -3.5 vs Chicago

San Diego -3.5 vs Denver

Quarterbacks

Can’t Miss Starters

Aaron Rodgers GB vs. DET
Tom Brady NE vs. TEN
Donovan McNabb PHI at OAK
Ben Roethlisberger PIT vs. CLE
Matt Hasselbeck SEA vs. AZ

Strong Starters

Kurt Warner AZ at SEA
Drew Brees NO vs. NYG
Carson Palmer CIN vs. HOU
Matt Ryan ATL vs. CHI
Jay Cutler CHI at ATL
Eli Manning NYG at NO

Borderline Starters

Philip Rivers SD vs. DEN
Brett Favre MIN vs. BAL
Matt Schaub HOU at CIN
Kyle Orton DEN at SD
David Garrard JAC vs. STL
Joe Flacco BAL at MIN
Mark Sanchez NYJ vs. BUF

Weak Starters

Jason Campbell WAS vs. KC
Matt Cassel KC at WAS
Jake Delhomme CAR at TB
Daunte Culpepper DET at GB
Josh Johnson TB vs. CAR
Kerry Collins TEN at NE
Trent Edwards BUF at NYJ

Bench Warmers

Marc Bulger STL at JAC
Derek Anderson CLE at PIT
JaMarcus Russell OAK vs. PHI

Runningbacks

Can’t Miss Starters

Maurice Jones-Drew JAC vs. STL
Adrian Peterson MIN vs. BAL

Strong Starters

Cedric Benson CIN vs. HOU
Matt Forte CHI at ATL
Knowshon Moreno DEN at SD (assuming Buckhalter is out)
DeAngelo Williams CAR at TB
Clinton Portis WAS vs. KC
Ryan Grant GB vs. DET
Michael Turner ATL vs. CHI
Steve Slaton HOU at CIN
Brian Westbrook PHI at OAK
Chris Johnson TEN at NE
Pierre Thomas NO vs. NYG
Steven Jackson STL at JAC
Tim Hightower AZ at SEA
Kevin Smith DET at GB
Thomas Jones NYJ vs. BUF
Rashard Mendenhall PIT vs. CLE (we’ll see how Parker’s return shakes out, but both should do well against Cleveland)
Willie Parker PIT vs. CLE

Borderline Starters

Ray Rice BAL at MIN
Brandon Jacobs NYG at NO
LaDainian Tomlinson SD vs. DEN
Julius Jones SEA vs. AZ
Ahmad Bradshaw NYG at NO
Sammy Morris NE vs. TEN
Marshawn Lynch BUF at NYJ
Fred Jackson BUF at NYJ
Cadillac Williams TB vs. CAR
Willis McGahee BAL at MIN
Leon Washington NYJ vs. BUF
Darren Sproles SD vs. DEN
LeSean McCoy PHI at OAK
Jamal Lewis CLE at PIT
Larry Johnson KC at WAS

Weak Starters

Jonathan Stewart CAR at TB
Michael Bush OAK vs. PHI
Derrick Ward TB vs. CAR
Reggie Bush NO vs. NYG
Chris Wells AZ at SEA
Justin Fargas OAK vs. PHI
Jamaal Charles KC at WAS
Chris Brown HOU at CIN
LenDale White TEN at NE
Chester Taylor MIN vs. BAL
Jerome Harrison CLE at PIT
Laurence Maroney NE vs. TEN
Jerious Norwood ATL vs. CHI
Mike Bell NO vs. NYG
Mewelde Moore PIT vs. CLE

Bench Warmers

LaMont Jordan DEN at SD
Kevin Faulk NE vs. TEN
Justin Forsett SEA vs. AZ
Shonn Greene NYJ vs. BUF
Ryan Moats HOU at CIN
Garrett Wolfe CHI at ATL
Jason Snellings ATL vs. CHI
Ladell Betts WAS vs. KC
Maurice Morris DET at GB
Bernard Scott CIN vs. HOU
Aaron Brown DET at GB
Edgerrin James SEA vs. AZ
Le’Ron McClain BAL at MIN

Wide Receivers

Can’t Miss Starters

Randy Moss NE vs. TEN
Larry Fitzgerald AZ at SEA
Anquan Boldin AZ at SEA
Andre Johnson HOU at CIN

Strong Starters

Greg Jennings GB vs. DET
Nate Burleson SEA vs. AZ
T.J. Houshmandzadeh SEA vs. AZ
Chad Johnson CIN vs. HOU
Roddy White ATL vs. CHI
Steven Smith NYG at NO
Marques Colston NO vs. NYG
Hines Ward PIT vs. CLE
Steve Smith CAR at TB
Wes Welker NE vs. TEN
Donald Driver GB vs. DET
Brandon Marshall DEN at SD
Vincent Jackson SD vs. DEN
Mike Sims-Walker JAC vs. STL
Santonio Holmes PIT vs. CLE
DeSean Jackson PHI at OAK
Braylon Edwards NYJ vs. BUF
Dwayne Bowe KC at WAS

Borderline Starters

Calvin Johnson DET at GB (may sit this week)
Antonio Bryant TB vs. CAR
Derrick Mason BAL at MIN
Devin Hester CHI at ATL
Santana Moss WAS vs. KC
Kevin Walter HOU at CIN
Donnie Avery STL at JAC
Percy Harvin MIN vs. BAL
Nate Washington TEN at NE
Jeremy Maclin PHI at OAK
Jerricho Cotchery NYJ vs. BUF
Johnny Knox CHI at ATL
Sidney Rice MIN vs. BAL
Devery Henderson NO vs. NYG
Bernard Berrian MIN vs. BAL
Bryant Johnson DET at GB
Terrell Owens BUF at NYJ
Mario Manningham NYG at NO

Weak Starters

Mohamed Massaquoi CLE at PIT
Eddie Royal DEN at SD
Mark Clayton BAL at MIN
Hakeem Nicks NYG at NO
Torry Holt JAC vs. STL
Steve Breaston AZ at SEA
David Clowney NYJ vs. BUF
Muhsin Muhammad CAR at TB
Lee Evans BUF at NYJ
Andre Caldwell CIN vs. HOU
Lance Moore NO vs. NYG
Chris Chambers SD vs. DEN
Robert Meachem NO vs. NYG

Bench Warmers

Earl Bennett CHI at ATL
Kenny Britt TEN at NE
Mike Wallace PIT vs. CLE
Chris Henry CIN vs. HOU
Bobby Wade KC at WAS
Jordy Nelson GB vs. DET
Justin Gage TEN at NE
Dennis Northcutt DET at GB
Michael Jenkins ATL vs. CHI
Jason Avant PHI at OAK
Antwaan Randle El WAS vs. KC
Chansi Stuckey CLE at PIT
Jacoby Jones HOU at CIN
Kelley Washington BAL at MIN
Josh Cribbs CLE at PIT
Keenan Burton STL at JAC
Julian Edelman NE vs. TEN
Laveranues Coles CIN vs. HOU
Louis Murphy OAK vs. PHI
Mark Bradley KC at WAS
Jabar Gaffney DEN at SD
Michael Clayton TB vs. CAR
Domenik Hixon NYG at NO

Tight Ends

Can’t Miss Starters

Antonio Gates SD vs. DEN
Tony Gonzalez ATL vs. CHI

Strong Starters

Brent Celek PHI at OAK
Kellen Winslow TB vs. CAR
Heath Miller PIT vs. CLE
Owen Daniels HOU at CIN
Greg Olsen CHI at ATL
Jeremy Shockey NO vs. NYG
Todd Heap BAL at MIN

Borderline Starters

Visanthe Shiancoe MIN vs. BAL
Chris Cooley WAS vs. KC
John Carlson SEA vs. AZ (Good matchup, but he might be used to protect Hasselbeck more because of the bad back)
Jermichael Finley GB vs. DET
Marcedes Lewis JAC vs. STL
Tony Scheffler DEN at SD
Dustin Keller NYJ vs. BUF
Zach Miller OAK vs. PHI

Weak Starters

Bo Scaife TEN at NE
Ben Watson NE vs. TEN

Bench Warmers

Daniel Graham DEN at SD
Dante Rosario CAR at TB
Kevin Boss NYG at NO
Brandon Pettigrew DET at GB
Donald Lee GB vs. DET
Daniel Fells STL at JAC

Kickers

Flip a coin.

Defense

Can’t Miss Starters

Philadelphia at Oakland
Pittsburgh vs. Cleveland

Strong Starters

New York Jets vs. Buffalo
New England vs. Tennessee

Borderline Starters

Green Bay vs. Detroit
Washington vs. Kansas City
Atlanta vs. Chicago
Minnesota vs. Baltimore
Baltimore at Minnesota
New York Giants at New Orleans
Jacksonville vs. St. Louis
Denver at San Diego
Carolina at Tampa Bay

Weak Starters

San Diego vs. Denver
Seattle vs. Arizona
Arizona at Seattle
Cincinnati vs. Houston
New Orleans vs. New York Giants
Chicago at Altanta

Bench Warmers

Houston at Cincinnati
Kansas City at Washington
Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Tampa Bay vs. Carolina
Buffalo at New York Jets
Tennessee at New England
Oakland vs. Philadelphia
St. Louis at Jacksonville
Detroit at Green Bay

Week 4 Games	Mike Sergott 63 wins – 13 losses	Ryan Parker 60 wins – 16 losses
Rams vs. Jaguars	Jacksonville Jaguars	Jacksonville Jaguars
Ravens vs. Vikings	Minnesota Vikings	Minnesota Vikings
Lions vs. Packers	Green Bay Packers	Green Bay Packers
Texans vs. Bengals	Cincinnati Bengals	Cincinnati Bengals
Browns vs. Steelers	Pittsburgh Steelers	Pittsburgh Steelers
Chiefs vs. Redskins	Washington Redskins	Washington Redskins
Panthers vs. Buccaneers	Carolina Panthers	Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Giants vs. Saints	New Orleans Saints	New Orleans Saints
Cardinals vs. Seahawks	Arizona Cardinals	Seattle Seahawks
Eagles vs. Raiders	Philadelphia Eagles	Philadelphia Eagles
Bills vs. Jets	New York Jets	New York Jets
Titans vs. Patriots	New England Patriots	New England Patriots
Bears vs. Falcons	Chicago Bears	Atlanta Falcons
Broncos vs. Chargers	Denver Broncos	San Diego Chargers

Note:  Ha!  Both rotoholics are blowing away the “experts” picks at ESPN and Inside the NFL:

(Well, you get the idea…)

I get depressed. I get anxiety-ridden. I pace the floors. I scream out loud. I am a bitter human being to be around for my family. (My wife takes the kids out on Sunday – she says it’s so I can have some “peace and quiet” while I watch the games… but I’m pretty sure it’s the missus and two offspring who need the break.)

Speaking of family, I’m in a fantasy league with my brother, Dan. Our battles often mean more than the league standings itself. This is Army-Navy, Jets-Giants and Mets-Yankees all rolled into one. This is SBRB (Sergott Bragging Rights, Baby!). A victory can salvage even a mediocre season. A loss… well, such things are too unsavory to mention.

This past Sunday, that time of the year had finally come ‘round: my brother Dan and I squaring off – a battle of two 2-2 teams looking to put together something after a terribly uneven first quarter of the season.

Let me set the stage for Sunday’s contest…

Woo Hoo! I am football-savvy enough to sit one of my superstars, Calvin Johnson, given his matchup (Pitt) and his health concerns.
D’oh! I am unlucky enough to start Mike Sims-Walker, he of the unconscious play of late… and he who ended up “not dressing due to a violation of team policy.” Upon hearing this news (one minute before kickoff), my face melted like the German Commander who stared too long at the Ark of the Covenant.

Woo Hoo! I am football savvy enough to sit Willis “Stick a For in Him” McGahee, who notches -2 rushing yards and 4 receiving yards on the day.
D’oh! I start Marion Barber, who runs like he… well, like he has a really bad strained quad, plays for a team of undisciplined morons (see: Adams, Flozell) and whose coach won’t use him in goal line situations (where he’s the… what’s the word I’m trying to think of… oh yeah: SPECIALIST).

Woo Hoo! My parents are out visiting for the week. This is good because my Dad was there last year when I played my brother and was my own personal good luck charm (I beat the pants off Dan, 64-25)
D’oh! My Dad isn’t so lucky this time around… and I listen to him chastise my players (and lack thereof) for seven hours. Good times.

Woo Hoo! I had first half Larry Fitzgerald.
D’oh! I had second half Larry Fitzgerald.

So… outside of learning that my team sucks, my life is devoid of hope and/or lucky breaks, and that my early-season George Steinbrenner-like trading spree has left me with some critical gaps on my squad, here are a few other choice observations I made this weekend…

After Reviewing the Play…

My Dad walks into my office at 10:15 am complaining, “Hey – something’s wrong with your TV. I can’t get any games.” When I explain to him that it’s Saturday, he looks at me with his head cocked to the side, like a dog wondering why you won’t share your last piece of pizza crust. Yep… retirement, ladies and gentlemen! Where date and time have no meaning!

Oakland is wicked bad, as they might say in New England. The Red Zone’s Andrew Siciliano has the best early line of the day, after the Giants score their second touchdown: “Is it safe to say that we have our first final of the day?” Yes, Andrew… yes it is. To paraphrase the great Warner Wolf: “If you had the Raiders and 36 ½ points, you LOST!”

Speaking of which, good to see the Giants using Ahmad Bradshaw in goal line situations this week… considering (a) Brandon Jacobs looks god-awful this year and (b) was never good at the goal line to begin with. Ever. I hope this is a sign of things to come.

My Dad doesn’t get this whole fantasy football thing, nor the absolutely necessary Red Zone Channel required to follow it. When the channel shows highlights of our beloved Giants going up 14-0, he grunts his first complaint of the morning: “Why aren’t we watching that game!?”

****

It’s almost as if the Rams got pissed off that Oakland was getting pummeled by the Giants. They responded by playing a little game I like to call “How many ways can we turn it over in the red zone?”

The answer: three.

• Stephen Jackson fumble at the Minnesota 1 with 12 minutes to play in the 2nd Quarter
• Daniel Fells fumbles on a 2nd-and-6 from the Minnesota 8 yard line
• Kyle Boller intercepted on the Minnesota 9 yard line – going for it on 4th down

Oh, and that doesn’t include Boller essentially handing it off to the Vikings Jared Allen, who returned it for a TD.

Not to be outdone, JaMarcus Russell declares “you don’t know what crappiness is!!” and proceeds to fumble the ball away three times by himself.

****

My Dad is clearly pissed we’re not watching the Giant game full time, as he starts taunting me every time we see my brother’s point total soar on the computer. It’s not too annoying, since the score is still pretty close. Of course, the day is still quite young.

“I’ll tell you who’s good… that Steve Smith (of the Giants),” my Dad piped in. “You have him?”

I tug at my t-shirt collar, Dangerfield-style. “I…uh…I traded him.”

My Dad’s eyes widen in surprise. “You traded him? Why? That guy is good.”

****

By the way, Winston Wolf called and told me not to get so high on Joe Flacco just yet. Before the game started, I tell my Dad: “At least I have Joe Flacco today… or as I like to call him: The Next Joe Montana.”

With just about two and a half minutes to go in the first quarter, Flacco is intercepted.

Dad: “I don’t remember Montana ever playing like that…”

****

Meanwhile, Carolina continues to fall apart, as does John Fox’s confidence in his team. Even with Albert Haynesworth out, he opts not to go for it on 4th and inches.

Y’know, when your short line game is based on a hard count, that’s not too good.

****

My Dad doesn’t get this whole fantasy football thing, Part II.

Watching me type non-stop while watching the games, he asks: “What the hell do you keep typing?”

“I’m texting Dan… I also use some of our texts as notes for my Tuesday column,” I respond.

“Hmmm… “ he says, suddenly seeing the value of this whole fantasy thing: “Ask him if he picked up my mail.”

****

Rashard Mendenhall is running wilder than Hulkamania right now. Sure, you have to wonder if his time will get cut back when Not-so-fast Willie Parker returns… but if you were TBDFH (the black dude from House), wouldn’t you stay with the hot hand?

****

Apparently, Cleveland and Buffalo played this weekend. No, really. I’m as surprised as you are.

****

My Dad’s comments aren’t as funny once the rout begins. Not that I don’t mind being asked if I own every single player in the NFL after they score a touchdown.

“Do you have Wes Welker?”   “No, dad.”   “How come?”

“Do you have Roddy White?”   “No, Dad.”   “How come?”

“Do you have Tim Hightower?”   “No, Dad.”   “How come?”

“Do you have Roddy White?”   “Nope, Dad… still don’t since the last time you asked.”   Finally annoyed that I’m annoyed, Dad grunts: “Well, who DO you have?”

****

The only thing worse than that was my Dad finding out I had Glen Coffee. First came the riffs on his name. “Wow, that Coffee is hot.” “Coffee is really grinding it out today.” “I smell some Coffee comin’…”

[Not to be outdone, Joe Buck’s comments are worse than my Dad’s. After Tashard Choice scored for Dallas: “And it’s clear that Tashard Choice should be the choice for Dallas right now at running back.” As a reminder, Joe Buck gets paid to do this, while my Dad is simply old and goofy.]

****

Speaking of Dallas, don’t get too excited about the Miles Austin explosion. Roy Williams was out, Marion Barber was running poorly, and the KC secondary quit when Priest Holmes was still running the ball. Don’t waste a waiver wire option on him.

****

Seriously, by the time we got to ”That Coffee turned out to be pretty damned weak,” I was breaking out my medical marijuana.

****

How good did it feel to watch 49ers CB Dre Bly get caught from behind while celebrating his interception. Did he really think he was scoring on that? And call me crazy, but just a tip: when celebrating, you might want to wait until you get past the 50 yard line…

****

Is it too early to start panicking over Calvin Johnson yet? He’s been hurt two weeks in a row. Defense are swarming all over him. He’s back to having Daunte Culpepper throwing to him. I need him to heal during his bye in Week 7 and show me something substantial against a soft spot in the schedule (Seattle and St. Louis) in weeks 8 and 9.

****

If I had to pick up five guys this week, they’d be:

• QB: Matt Hasselbeck – Looked great last week. And has Arizona this week.
• RB: Ahmad Bradshaw – Although it’s more for really crappy matchups (like Oakland) and insurance in case Jacobs goes down. You can’t bank on one Giants RB. But he’s the best out there right now.
• WR: Braylon Edwards – Between the Sanchez trade and this one, hard not to envision the Browns as Marcellus Wallace and the Jets as Zed.
• WR: Nate Burleson – See: Bald QB, Seattle
• TE: Heath Miller – Now second in the league in receptions among tight ends.

****

Anyway, well played, Dan. Until we meet again in Week 12.

Thanks for the visit, Dad. It was fun – and made this week’s column infinitely easier to write.

To everyone else, I hope your fantasy weekend was better than mine.

Until next week…