Quarterbacks

Can’t Miss Starters

Peyton Manning IND at STL
Tom Brady NE at TB
Drew Brees NO at MIA

Strong Starters

Aaron Rodgers GB at CLE
Matt Schaub HOU vs. SF
Philip Rivers SD at KC
Eli Manning NYG vs. AZ
Ben Roethlisberger PIT vs. MIN
Tony Romo DAL vs. ATL

Mediocre Starters

Kurt Warner AZ at NYG
Donovan McNabb PHI at WAS
Jay Cutler CHI at CIN
Mark Sanchez NYJ vs. BUF
Carson Palmer CIN vs. CHI
Matt Ryan ATL at DAL

Weak Starters

Brett Favre MIN at PIT
Matt Cassel KC vs. SD
Shaun Hill SF at HOU
Chad Henne MIA vs. NO

Bench Warmers

Derek Anderson CLE vs. GB
Jake Delhomme CAR vs. BUF
Marc Bulger STL vs. IND
Mark Sanchez NYJ at OAK
Jason Campbell WAS vs. PHI
Josh Johnson TB vs. NE
Trent Edwards BUF at CAR
JaMarcus Russell OAK vs. NYJ

Runningbacks

Can’t Miss Starters

DeAngelo Williams CAR vs. BUF
Frank Gore SF at HOU

Strong Starters

Michael Turner ATL at DAL
Ronnie Brown MIA vs. NO
Pierre Thomas NO at MIA
Adrian Peterson MIN at PIT
Steve Slaton HOU vs. SF
Thomas Jones NYJ at OAK
Brian Westbrook PHI at WAS
Ryan Grant GB at CLE

Mediocre Starters

Cedric Benson CIN vs. CHI
Steven Jackson STL vs. IND
Rashard Mendenhall PIT vs. MIN
LaDainian Tomlinson SD at KC
Larry Johnson KC vs. SD
Laurence Maroney NE at TB
Matt Forte CHI at CIN
Marion Barber DAL vs. ATL
Ahmad Bradshaw NYG vs. AZ
Tim Hightower AZ at NYG
Joseph Addai IND at STL
Brandon Jacobs NYG vs. AZ
Clinton Portis WAS vs. PHI
Marshawn Lynch BUF at CAR
Cadillac Williams TB vs. NE
Ricky Williams MIA vs. NO
Justin Fargas OAK vs. NYJ

Weak Starters

Tashard Choice DAL vs. ATL
Jonathan Stewart CAR vs. BUF
Leon Washington NYJ at OAK
Fred Jackson BUF at CAR
Reggie Bush NO at MIA
Donald Brown IND at STL
Jamal Lewis CLE vs. GB
Mike Bell NO at MIA
Benjarvus Green-Ellis NE at TB

Bench Warmers

Chris Brown HOU vs. SF
LeSean McCoy PHI at WAS
Michael Bush OAK vs. NYJ
Chester Taylor MIN at PIT
Willie Parker PIT vs. MIN
Darren Sproles SD at KC
Glen Coffee SF at HOU
Chris Wells AZ at NYG
Kevin Faulk NE at TB
Garrett Wolfe CHI at CIN
Jerome Harrison CLE vs. GB
Derrick Ward TB vs. NE

Wide Receivers

Can’t Miss Starters

Randy Moss NE at TB
Reggie Wayne IND at STL
Andre Johnson HOU vs. SF
Wes Welker NE at TB

Strong Starters

Vincent Jackson SD at KC
Larry Fitzgerald AZ at NYG
Marques Colston NO at MIA
Chad Johnson CIN vs. CHI
Roddy White ATL at DAL
Hines Ward PIT vs. MIN
Steve Smith NYG vs. AZ
Greg Jennings GB at CLE (By the time Jennings gets downfield, Rogers has been on turf. Should perform better against Cleveland)
Donald Driver GB at CLE

Mediocre Starters

Miles Austin DAL vs. ATL
Dwayne Bowe KC vs. SD
Santonio Holmes PIT vs. MIN
Sidney Rice MIN at PIT
Devin Hester CHI at CIN
DeSean Jackson PHI at WAS
Anquan Boldin AZ at NYG
Braylon Edwards NYJ at OAK
Santana Moss WAS vs. PHI
Steve Smith CAR vs. BUF
Antonio Bryant TB vs. NE
Mario Manningham NYG vs. AZ
Austin Collie IND at STL
Pierre Garcon IND at STL
Lee Evans BUF at CAR
Roy Williams DAL vs. ATL
Mohamed Massaquoi CLE vs. GB
Hakeem Nicks NYG vs. AZ
Steve Breaston AZ at NYG
Jeremy Maclin PHI at WAS

Weak Starters

Devery Henderson NO at MIA
Bernard Berrian MIN at PIT
Lance Moore NO at MIA
Terrell Owens BUF at CAR
Percy Harvin MIN at PIT
Johnny Knox CHI at CIN
Ted Ginn MIA vs. NO
Kevin Walter HOU vs. SF
Jerricho Cotchery NYJ at OAK
Andre Caldwell CIN vs. CHI
Michael Crabtree SF at HOU
Robert Meachem NO at MIA
Donnie Avery STL vs. IND
Keenan Burton STL vs. IND
Greg Camarillo MIA vs. NO
Patrick Crayton DAL vs. ATL
Muhsin Muhammad CAR vs. BUF
Julian Edelman NE at TB
David Clowney NYJ at OAK

Bench Warmers

Isaac Bruce SF at HOU
Jacoby Jones HOU vs. SF
Sam Hurd DAL vs. ATL
Laveranues Coles CIN vs. CHI
Davone Bess MIA vs. NO
Chris Chambers SD at KC
Josh Cribbs CLE vs. GB

Tight Ends

Can’t Miss Starters

Dallas Clark IND at STL
Antonio Gates SD at KC

Strong Starters

Tony Gonzalez ATL at DAL
Jason Witten DAL vs. ATL
Heath Miller PIT vs. MIN
Jeremy Shockey NO at MIA
Greg Olsen CHI at CIN
Brent Celek PHI at WAS

Mediocre Starters

Kellen Winslow TB vs. NE
Jermichael Finley GB at CLE
Owen Daniels HOU vs. SF
Visanthe Shiancoe MIN at PIT
Chris Cooley WAS vs. PHI
Vernon Davis SF at HOU
Anthony Fasano MIA vs. NO

Weak Starters

Dustin Keller NYJ at OAK
Sean Ryan KC vs. SD
Zach Miller OAK vs. NYJ

Bench Warmers

Randy McMichael STL vs. IND
Kevin Boss NYG vs. AZ
Donald Lee GB at CLE
Ben Watson NE at TB
Dante Rosario CAR vs. BUF

Kickers

Flip a coin.

Defense

Can’t Miss Starters

Philadelphia at Washington
Indianapolis at St. Louis
Green Bay at Cleveland
New England at Tampa Bay

Strong Starters

New York Jets at Oakland
Minnesota at Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh vs. Minnesota
Carolina vs. Buffalo
New Orleans at Miami

Mediocre Starters

New York Giants vs. Arizona
San Diego at Kansas City
Cincinnati vs. Chicago
Houston vs. San Francisco
Oakland vs. New York Jets
Dallas vs. Atlanta

Weak Starters

Arizona at New York Giants
Washington vs. Philadelphia
Cleveland vs. Green Bay
Atlanta at Dallas
Buffalo at Carolina
San Francisco at Houston
Miami vs. New Orleans
Chicago at Cincinnati

Bench Warmers

Kansas City vs. San Diego
Tampa Bay vs. New England
St. Louis vs. Indianapolis

Forget Valley Forge, these are the times that try men’s souls. You know you shouldn’t, but you know just as well that one good hot streak will get it all back and more and erase all those bad memories. You CAN be a winner. So you stumble back to the ATM for one more shot, and even though you know the sun is probably coming up somewhere, who’s to say that this isn’t going to be the one that launches you to the stratosphere?

A TEMPORARY SETBACK

“I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me.”
- Beck

Last week was an unmitigated disaster. I knew bad things were coming when Oklahoma and Texas – supposedly two of the best teams in the country – combined for six fumbles and three interceptions. The Longhorns managed to take Bradford out early but still mustered only enough points for a freakin’ push. And it was all downhill from there.

Wisconsin: LOSS. USC: LOSS. Auburn: LOSS (two weeks running). Sunday: LOSS LOSS LOSS. Somebody shoot me in the head. As the weekend wore on, the losses piled up higher than the chicken bones in the little red-and-white cardboard wing-bone tray, and my wins were about as scarce as ranch dressing at the end of the day.

The only bright spots of the weekend were the DOUBLE-DOWN LOCK Mississippi St. covering easily, just like I said, and the Atlanta Falcons saving us from an 0-fer on Sunday. A freakin’ 0-fer.

When all was said and done, the carnage looked something like this:

Saturday:      2-3-1 (-$1,300)

Sunday:        1-4    (-$3,400)

TWINNERS: 1-3    (-$2,300)

We opened the week up $2,400 and lost an even $7,000. Hell yes – seven is my lucky number, so this is a good omen. We’re going to win this week. We’re down $4,600 on the year, but luckily we didn’t just cash out PART of our 401(k) to bankroll this rally, we cashed out the whole damn thing. So we’ve got plenty of bank left to take it to The Man. And we’re due.

SATURDAY

“You never know what a football player is made of until he plays Alabama.”
- Gen. Neyland

(NOTE to dumbass hillbilly Tennessee fans: It’s pronounced ‘NEE-land,’ not ‘NAY-land.’ He’s the greatest coach in the history of your program and your stadium is named after him – at least learn how to pronounce his name, you idiots.)

The calendar says otherwise, but to rednecks, hillbillies and good ole boys across the South, Saturday is a special day: The Third Saturday in October. That used to be the day that saw Alabama and Tennessee square off every single year until the boneheads in the SEC scheduling department decided to screw that up.

These teams hate each other. The fans hate each other. The equipment managers and the water boys hate each other. Ever since Phil “Chief Wiggum” Fulmer decided to become a secret witness in an attempt to bury the Alabama program (which he almost did even though NCAA bylaws forbid the use of secret witnesses, bastards), this rivalry has turned from heated to hatred.

To make matter worse, Tennessee Coach Lane Kiffin earlier this year hired super-recruiter Lance Thompson away from Alabama, and Thompson quickly claimed that he was going to “lock down Memphis” and out-recruit the Tide. The very next day, Nick Saban landed a commitment from the top high school receiver in Memphis.

Earlier this week, Kiffin asked Alabama if Tennessee could wear their home orange jerseys in this matchup, even though the game is in Tuscaloosa, and Alabama denied the request (it was AD Mal Moore, not Saban, who made the call). If you’re wondering why, just take one look at those laundromat orange jerseys, and you’ll understand why no one in their right mind would want to see that putrid color any more than absolutely necessary.

This game is so big that it’s our only play on Saturday. It’s our first FIVE-STAR TRIPLE-DOWN GOLD PLATED LOCK OF THE YEAR. Alabama won’t need to lay down any tape to line up this ass-kicking. Triple up on this one: The Tide rolls at home over the Kiffins: Alabama -15.

SUNDAY

Minnesota at Pittsburgh
Farvelous Brett “There is an ‘I’ in WIN” Favre takes his undefeated Vikings squad on the road to face the defending Super Bowl champs. This looks to be a great matchup. Normally, I’d be nervous taking a dome team on the grass, but Favre knows cold AND grass. The Vikings – with a super power running game and a stiff D – are not your typical dome team. Pittsburg wins in a close one, but take the points here: Vikings +5.

Indianapolis at St. Louis
Do I really need to explain this one? Have you seen Peyton Manning this year? Colts -13.5.

New York Jets at Oakland
The Jets are in a tailspin because they suddenly remembered that they’re the Jets. I still maintain that Jamarcus Russell is perhaps the worst starter in the NFL. He cost us last week when he shocked the Eagles, but that was Andy Reid’s fault. Go eat another meatloaf, Andy. Take the home dog (just for Dan): Oakland +6.

Philadelphia at Washington
The Redskins would be better off with Dee Snyder at the helm. In a shocking move, the Danny Dollar managed to convince Sherm Lewis to give up his gig as a bingo-caller at an old folks place to come in as a consultant for a team that has now played six consecutive matchups against teams that, coming into each game, had no wins. They then stripped Zorn’s play-calling duties and handed them to Sherm. If you listen closely when Washington has the ball, you may hear the play calls coming in from the sidelines: “B-42. N-29. G-15. Bingo!” Philly gets back off the mat: Eagles -7.

THE RUNDOWN

Alabama -15 vs. Tennessee (TRIPLE PLAY!)

Minnesota +5 at Pittsburgh

Indianapolis -13.5 at St. Louis

Oakland +6 vs. J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets.

Philly -7 at Washington.

That’s all for this weekend. Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter for hilarious game day commentary as well as exclusive game day TWINNER picks, which are a respectable 5-3 on the season.

MAIL BAG

Jimmy,
What was your single greatest gambling moment?
-M.

M: Great question. When I was but a wee college lad, I made the trek to the pitiful dog racing track in Greene County, Alabama, and proceeded to get smashed with a buddy and lose every race. After we drank and gambled our way through almost every dollar we had, I took our last five bucks to the counter for one last glory bet. I was standing at the window trying not to smell all the west Alabama trash around me when I notice the price of cocktails: $2.75 (yes, drinks were only $2.75 back then). So I put a $5 exacta on the 2-7. The two-dog was such a long-shot there was no real need to stick around and watch, so we took the ticket the car and drove to the top of the hill overlooking the track to watch our loser. Lo and behold, it hit. It was my first exacta – a proud moment, and that $5 bet paid more than $250 smackers, my biggest single win to date at the time. We made our way back into the track, cashed in the ticket, and drove back Tuscaloosa where we disposed of our winnings in one glorious, bar-hopping drunken binge. Ahh, college.

Jimmy,
Please quit picking Auburn. You’ve picked us twice in a row and we lost both times!”
-P.

P: You lost because you suck, not because I picked you. You have seven fewer scholarship players than most teams because your last coach recruited idiots who can’t stay in the program. If you keep Gus long enough, you’ll be back to your rightful position as a second-tier SEC team in no time. Chin up.

 Then, there are the single-win teams: the Browns, Chiefs and Lions.

 Not far behind are some truly awful 2-4 teams, including the Redskins (who provided the Lions and Chiefs with their one win, and whose only victories have come at the expense of the Rams and Bucs) and the Raiders (who despite last week’s win over Philly may still be the worst team in the NFL).

[Speaking of which: Hey, JaMarcus… Joe Pisarcik called and wants his until-now undisputed title of Worst QB in NFL History back]

 From a fantasy perspective, defenses (see 49ers, SF) and special teams (see Royal, Eddie) have been running wild and making the difference in almost every game.

 [Note: My crack staff researched our CBS Sportsline league, and found that average scoring for my league is up eight points (89 vs. 81) over last year, with Defense representing 4 points and QB representing the other 3 (RBs and WRs were even.)]

 From week to week, you have no idea what you’ll get from the likes of MJD or Randy Moss… so folks are salivating on their computers as they scour the waiver wire for whatever defenses are lining up against the aforementioned bottom of the barrel teams.

 And it’s working.

 Mostly against me.

 ****

 With a little assistance from one of the great sports movies of all time, this week’s column is a tribute to the inconsistencies and ineptitude of 2009.

 Speaking of ineptitude, my 2-4 juggernaut plays Rotoholic co-founder Ryan this week. What does that mean?

 BAD NEWS FOR RYAN!!

 ****

Tanner: We lost eighteen to nuthin’, Buttercrud! And the Athletics are the worst team in the league!
Ahmad: Second worst.
Tanner: Sorry… I forgot.

 The envelope, please.

And the worst team in the League goes to: The St. Louis Rams! Face it – even after the 59-0 blowout, you’d take the Titans and lay at least three points in a heartbeat over the Rams, right? Home, away… doesn’t matter. The Rams have scored a whopping FIFTY-FOUR points this season and their Points For-Points Against differential is a league leading 115.

 Just for comparison’s sake, the 0-16 Lions scored 62 points in their first three games last year. At least there were times when you thought they had a shot.

By the way, mark your calendars for November 1, when the Rams square off against the Lions in Detroit… maybe the Rams’s only shot not to repeat last season’s Detroit Debacle. You think I’m kidding, but I’ll be glued to the TV for that.

Buttermaker: Listen, Lupus, you didn’t come into this life just to sit around on a dugout bench, did ya? Now get your ass out there and do the best you can.

To Sidney Rice and of Minnesota and Hakeem Nicks of the NY Giants. Rice has overcome some early injury problems to be an increasingly important part of the Vikings’ offense. Hicks has done the same… after getting carted off the field in the Giants’ first game, he’s been making a splash in the past three (TDs in each and over 100 yards against NO). He’s one of the reasons I suggested you sell high on Steve Smith a few weeks back (as I did). First, I think the Giants will continue to try and get back to being a run-firth team. Second, Nicks is the big target that Eli needs (a la Plaxico Burress), especially when he starts overthrowing when under pressure/in bad weather/when it’s too sunny/when someone in the stadium coughs (i.e., a lot).

I’m not sure you want to make either a go-to WR just yet (although I should mention that the Giants are playing the Cardinals this week, who are 31^st against the pass so far this season), but if you have a slot for them on your roster, get them now and see what develops.

Buttermaker: This quitting thing, it’s a hard habit to break once you start.

(Alternate title: Now get back to the stands before I shave off half your mustache and shove it up your left nostril.)

To the Tennessee Titans. I wrote a few weeks back how I was amazed that Jeff Fisher’s head wasn’t on the chopping block after the team’s terrible start. Well, all that should change after the abysmal 59-0 drubbing in New England. The team just flat out quit.

From a fantasy standpoint, it’s not a whole lot rosier, even if you have Chris Johnson. Sure, he had 128 yards last weekend, but they were mostly let-the-clock-run plays that NE was all too happy to oblige. Truth is, Tennessee falls behind too early and too often to rely on Johnson driving the offense (see Games 3-5, where CJ totaled 214 yards, no TDs and a fumble). While Tennessee doesn’t exactly face a murderer’s row coming out of a bye in Week 8 (Jax, SF, Buffalo, Houston and Arizona), I wouldn’t be counting on him too heavily. And I think it goes without saying to avoid all other Titans (even Rob Bironas) for the rest of the year.

Jimmy Feldman: If you were so great, how come you never made it to the major leagues?
Buttermaker: Contract disputes.

 To Michael Crabtree. In a surprising move, Mike Singletary is going to roll the dice and start the holdout this week. I’m of the mind he’ll be a decoy in the early goings, but am I crazy to think that this guy is going to pulling down some numbers in the not-too-distant future? With Frank Gore coming back this week and more attention on the running game, he’s bound to get some opportunities. If you’re in a PPR league and have a deep bench, put a decent-sized bid on him.

Buttermaker: There was nothing easy about those fly balls, Ahmad. They were tough chances! The sun was in your eyes!
Ahmad: Don’t give me none of your honky bullshit, Buttermaker. I know they were easy.
Buttermaker: Let’s not bring race into this, Ahmad. We got enough problems as it is.

To Matt Forte. Dude, I understand you have issues. Your offensive line hasn’t been opening up big enough holes for you… your QB is pass-happy… you’ve been hurt. Excuses or not, your season isn’t working out like anyone had hoped. The Bears need to take a page out of Baltimore’s book (not the one about losing in the last second of games) and start throwing you tons of screen passes like they do with Motherf*cking Ray Rice (sorry, Ray – no ill will meant. I played against you last week).

I mean, the Ravens have no real running game to speak of at this point and yet they have a top-tier fantasy running back.

Will this happen for Matt? Yes, and probably as soon as this week (since I’m playing against him)… but then not again until playoff time. Just call it a hunch.

Amanda: Hey, Buttermaker! Maybe next spring you’ll teach me how to run the Wildcat.
Buttermaker: You bet.

Okay, so I paraphrased that one a little bit. I had a friend over on Sunday and he asked me what I thought about the Wildcat offense. The thing is, it is a gimmick – but like Mr. Miyagi said: if do right, none can defense. Now, the Dolphins do right, and by all means they should continue to squeeze all they can out of it (because lord knows that Chad Henne ain’t winning them any games this year).

 But, hey, Cleveland… just because your kick returner is your best and only impact player on the whole freaking team, it doesn’t mean you should run him out there to execute the Wildcat (let alone for THREE STRAIGHT PLAYS. I mean, if I could’ve bet that series would’ve ended in an interception – which it did – I would’ve put my house 60%-less-valuable-then-when-I-bought-it house on it).

Ahmad: This is for Allah. And it’s goin’ way out there, sucka!

To Ryan Grant, who I am predicting finally has the breakout week everyone had been expecting from him all season. I’m telling you – this is my Schwinn Bicycle Lock of the Week.

I know he came up short in Detroit and that most of his 90 yards were late in garbage time. But Cleveland will defend the pass a lot better than the run, and I think he’s ready to take the reins.

Start him. Taunt your friends about it. Call them girl names. Make them eat dog poop. You won’t be sorry.

Buttermaker: Do you want to quit, Tanner?
Tanner: Crud, no. I want to play ball.

To every fantasy owner who is 2-4 or worse at this point. It’s a long season. Don’t panic. Luck changes. Tides turn. Jobu accepts cigars and rum.

So, don’t make that 3-for-1 deal for Rashard Mendenhall because you’re desperate for a RB. Give your guys another week or so to make it happen. Who knows? Maybe this is the week that Justin Fargas channels his inner Barry Sanders.

If that doesn’t work, then stay tuned for the How to Blow Up Your Team article, which I’ll be writing in about two weeks (y’know… when I’m 2-6 and trying to roofie myself to make the nightmares stop).

Until then… good luck.