Quarterbacks

Can’t Miss Starters

Peyton Manning IND vs. SF
Drew Brees NO vs. ATL
Kurt Warner AZ vs. CAR
Philip Rivers SD vs. OAK

Strong Starters

Aaron Rodgers GB vs. MIN
Tony Romo DAL vs. SEA
Matt Schaub HOU at BUF
Jay Cutler CHI vs. CLE
David Garrard JAC at TEN

Mediocre Starters

Donovan McNabb PHI vs. NYG
Joe Flacco BAL vs. DEN
Brett Favre MIN at GB
Kyle Orton DEN at BAL
Matt Hasselbeck SEA at DAL
Matt Ryan ATL at NO
Eli Manning NYG at PHI

Weak Starters

Alex Smith SF at IND
Chad Henne MIA at NYJ
Mark Sanchez NYJ vs. MIA
Derek Anderson CLE at CHI
Kerry Collins TEN vs. JAC

Bench Warmers

Ryan Fitzpatrick BUF vs. HOU
Jake Delhomme CAR at AZ
Marc Bulger STL at DET
JaMarcus Russell OAK at SD
Daunte Culpepper DET vs. STL

Runningbacks

Can’t Miss Starters

Steve Slaton HOU at BUF
Steven Jackson STL at DET
Matt Forte CHI vs. CLE
Maurice Jones-Drew JAC at TEN
Kevin Smith DET vs. STL
LaDainian Tomlinson SD vs. OAK

Strong Starters

Chris Johnson TEN vs. JAC
Michael Turner ATL at NO
Ray Rice BAL vs. DEN
Ronnie Brown MIA at NYJ
Frank Gore SF at IND
Adrian Peterson MIN at GB
DeAngelo Williams CAR at AZ
Thomas Jones NYJ vs. MIA

Mediocre Starters

Marion Barber DAL vs. SEA
Tim Hightower AZ vs. CAR
Brandon Jacobs NYG at PHI
Pierre Thomas NO vs. ATL
Joseph Addai IND vs. SF
LeSean McCoy PHI vs. NYG
Ryan Grant GB vs. MIN
Justin Fargas OAK at SD
Marshawn Lynch BUF vs. HOU
Knowshon Moreno DEN at BAL
Correll Buckhalter DEN at BAL
Ricky Williams MIA at NYJ

Weak Starters

Mike Bell NO vs. ATL
Ahmad Bradshaw NYG at PHI
Shonn Greene NYJ vs. MIA
Chris Wells AZ vs. CAR
Felix Jones DAL vs. SEA
Darren Sproles SD vs. OAK
Jonathan Stewart CAR at AZ
Willis McGahee BAL vs. DEN
Julius Jones SEA at DAL
Jamal Lewis CLE at CHI
Reggie Bush NO vs. ATL
Chester Taylor MIN at GB
Fred Jackson BUF vs. HOU

Bench Warmers

Justin Forsett SEA at DAL
Garrett Wolfe CHI vs. CLE
Aaron Brown DET vs. STL
Jerome Harrison CLE at CHI
Tashard Choice DAL vs. SEA
Chris Brown HOU at BUF
LenDale White TEN vs. JAC
Chad Simpson IND vs. SF
Jason Snelling ATL at NO
Michael Bush OAK at SD
Donald Brown IND vs. SF

Wide Receivers

Can’t Miss Starters

Larry Fitzgerald AZ vs. CAR
Vincent Jackson SD vs. OAK
Marques Colston NO vs. ATL
Reggie Wayne IND vs. SF
Andre Johnson HOU at BUF
Calvin Johnson DET vs. STL (assuming he is healthy)
Mike Sims-Walker JAC at TEN

Strong Starters

Roddy White ATL at NO
Brandon Marshall DEN at BAL
DeSean Jackson PHI vs. NYG
Greg Jennings GB vs. MIN
Donald Driver GB vs. MIN
Steve Smith NYG at PHI
Miles Austin DAL vs. SEA
T.J. Houshmandzadeh SEA at DAL
Sidney Rice MIN at GB
Nate Burleson SEA at DAL
Devin Hester CHI vs. CLE

Mediocre Starters

Nate Washington TEN vs. JAC
Kevin Walter HOU at BUF
Torry Holt JAC at TEN
Braylon Edwards NYJ vs. MIA
Lee Evans BUF vs. HOU
Derrick Mason BAL vs. DEN
Anquan Boldin AZ vs. CAR
Mario Manningham NYG at PHI
Hakeem Nicks NYG at PHI
Austin Collie IND vs. SF
Michael Crabtree SF at IND
Steve Smith CAR at AZ
Lance Moore NO vs. ATL
Percy Harvin MIN at GB
Mohamed Massaquoi CLE at CHI
Eddie Royal DEN at BAL
Mark Clayton BAL vs. DEN
Johnny Knox CHI vs. CLE
Jeremy Maclin PHI vs. NYG

Weak Starters

Patrick Crayton DAL vs. SEA
Steve Breaston AZ vs. CAR
Donnie Avery STL at DET
Devery Henderson NO vs. ATL
Roy Williams DAL vs. SEA
Terrell Owens BUF vs. HOU
Bernard Berrian MIN at GB
Dennis Northcutt DET vs. STL
Jacoby Jones HOU at BUF
David Clowney NYJ vs. MIA
Bryant Johnson DET vs. STL
Pierre Garcon IND vs. SF
Mike Thomas JAC at TEN
Robert Meachem NO vs. ATL
Kenny Britt TEN vs. JAC
Ted Ginn MIA at NYJ
Brandon Stokley DEN at BAL
Greg Camarillo MIA at NYJ
Josh Morgan SF at IND
Kelley Washington BAL vs. DEN
Brian Hartline MIA at NYJ
Justin Gage TEN vs. JAC
Malcom Floyd SD vs. OAK
Earl Bennett CHI vs. CLE

Bench Warmers

Jabar Gaffney DEN at BAL
Andre Davis HOU at BUF
Jerricho Cotchery NYJ vs. MIA
Greg Lewis MIN at GB
Davone Bess MIA at NYJ
Keenan Burton STL at DET
Michael Jenkins ATL at NO
Muhsin Muhammad CAR at AZ
Louis Murphy OAK at SD
Jason Avant PHI vs. NYG
Chansi Stuckey CLE at CHI
Isaac Bruce SF at IND
Sam Hurd DAL vs. SEA
Donny Amendola STL at DET
Chris Chambers SD vs. OAK
Domenik Hixon NYG at PHI

Tight Ends

Can’t Miss Starters

Antonio Gates SD vs. OAK
Dallas Clark IND vs. SF
Owen Daniels HOU at BUF

Strong Starters

Tony Gonzalez ATL at NO
Jeremy Shockey NO vs. ATL
Jason Witten DAL vs. SEA
Vernon Davis SF at IND
Greg Olsen CHI vs. CLE

Mediocre Starters

Brent Celek PHI vs. NYG
Donald Lee GB vs. MIN
Visanthe Shiancoe MIN at GB
Zach Miller OAK at SD
Marcedes Lewis JAC at TEN
Tony Scheffler DEN at BAL
John Carlson SEA at DAL
Todd Heap BAL vs. DEN

Weak Starters

Brandon Pettigrew DET vs. STL
Dustin Keller NYJ vs. MIA
Anthony Fasano MIA at NYJ
Bo Scaife TEN vs. JAC

Bench Warmers

Randy McMichael STL at DET
Martellus Bennett DAL vs. SEA
Daniel Graham DEN at BAL
Kevin Boss NYG at PHI
Dante Rosario CAR at AZ
Jermichael Finley GB vs. MIN

Kickers

Just pick one.

Defense

Can’t Miss Starters

San Diego vs. Oakland
Chicago vs. Cleveland
Arizona vs. Carolina

Strong Starters

Indianapolis vs. San Francisco
New Orleans vs. Atlanta
Dallas vs. Seattle

Mediocre Starters

Minnesota at Green Bay
Philadelphia vs. New York Giants
Denver at Baltimore
Houston at Buffalo
Baltimore vs. Denver
New York Jets vs. Miami
New York Giants at Philadelphia
Detroit vs. St. Louis
Green Bay vs. Minnesota

Weak Starters

Miami at New York Jets
Buffalo vs. Houston
Jacksonville at Tennessee

Bench Warmers

Oakland at San Diego
St. Louis at Detroit
Tennessee vs. Jacksonville
Cleveland at Chicago
Carolina at Arizona
Seattle at Dallas
San Francisco at Indianapolis
Atlanta at New Orleans

On Saturday, my beloved Crimson Tide was the FIVE-STAR TRIPLE-DOWN GOLD PLATED LOCK OF THE YEAR giving up 15 at home against hated Tennessee. The FIVE-STAR TRIPLE-DOWN GOLD PLATED LOCK OF THE YEAR has never lost. Never.

It was a defensive battle throughout, and Alabama’s offense couldn’t get it going against Tennessee’s stout D, but a late cover appeared in reach as the Crimson Tide led 12-3 with the ball and about three and a half minutes left. All we needed to do was give the ball to Mark Ingram and let him march down the field for the late touchdown and the sweet, sweet cover.

Of course, the announcers HAVE to point out several times that Mark Ingram has never lost a fumble. They keep saying it over and over. Three hundred and something carries and he’s never lost a fumble.  Never lost a fumble. You know, Mark Ingram has NEVER LOST A FUMBLE. My God, will you shut up about it? But it was too late. The jinx was on. For the first time in his college career, Mark Ingram lost a fumble. And of all people, it was Eric Berry who knocked the ball loose.

Tennessee recovered, scored a quick touchdown, and kicked the inevitable onsides kick that should have ended it. But we missed it, and they recovered. So in just 10 short minutes, I’ve gone from a comfortable win with a cover in sight to a total collapse that has me staring down the barrel of a loss to Tennessee with hopes for another perfect season and a 13^th national championship dangling in the balance. It took a blocked field goal from Terrance “Mount” Cody – who came right up through the one hole and blew two linemen backwards to block the kick with his armpit.

“I didn’t really get off the ground,” Cody said. “I just reached my arm up. That’s how I got it. I knocked (the blocker) back. He was on his back.”

As if that drama weren’t enough, Sunday’s opening stanza had my winning hopes pinned squarely on Brett Favre. The cover was seldom in doubt. It was back and forth all the way, but the five point cushion had us comfortable through most of the game. It came down to one drive, one chance for Favre to pull yet another miracle, but it doesn’t matter, because we’ve got five points and the ball. With mere seconds remaining, what’s the worst that could happen? Well, we found out, didn’t we? Favre threw an interception returned 82 yards for a touchdown (after having a fumble returned 77 yards earlier in the game).

That’s gambling.

Luckily, the TWINNERs continued to be SMOKIN’ HOT, so if you follow me on Twitter, you managed to break even for the weekend, minus the juice of course.

TWINNERs: 3-0 (Rutgers, Iowa, Miss St.) – That’s 8-3 on the year!

FIVE-STAR TRIPLE-DOWN GOLD PLATED LOCK OF THE YEAR: 0-1 (Tripled up = -3!)

NFL: 2-2 (Blame stupid Favre)

TOTAL for the week: 5-5 (-$500)

Season total: -$7500

We’ve got him right where we want him

Slump? I ain’t in no slump… I just ain’t hitting.
– Yogi Berra

The college season is more than half done, so we’ve seen enough from each of these teams to know pretty much where they stand. The System is packed full of data from the current year, having flushed through all the holdover tags and trends from last year. Most of the Joes you know have gotten “too busy to fool with it” any more, meaning they’ve lost their asses, and their wives (or husbands) won’t let them gamble any more. But we’re hanging in there, ready for the inevitable hot streak.

HALLOWINNERS

Strange things will happen this Hallows eve. We should win enough on Saturday to put 10-spots in all the little trick-or-treaters’ candy sacks, except for those stupid teenagers who are way too old and show up with some lazy, terrible costume like a pillowcase and some stick they found in my yard. Those idiots get a single Peanut Butter Log from me, and it’s usually chipped.

But on Saturday, I’m already pumped about laying up with some of my favorite Halloween spirits, a bucket of wings, an extra large ranch dressing, and watching about 14 straight hours of college football. Even the dirty, “you should be spending Halloween with your kids, you ass!” looks from my wife won’t get me down. Have a look at these winners Jimmy hand-picked just for you:

Ole Miss at Auburn (+4.5) – SEC TV, Noon ET.
Just a few weeks ago, I noticed a sign I failed to heed: Auburn fans were starting to talk about scenarios that might get them into the SEC championship game. We all should have seen this losing streak coming when Auburn’s early successes came against some of the worst defenses in college football.

This week, Ole Miss comes to town, and for some reason, Ole Miss fans have hated Auburn ever since the Tigers had the AUdacity to hire Tommy Tuberville away from Ole Miss, the only SEC team that Auburn beat the year before. Go figure. You beat one team, and that’s the coach you go hire. Well done, Bobby.

Ole Miss is not a top-5 team, as said before the bandwagon was deserted, but they’re much more like the good teams that Auburn has struggled against this year. The downslide continues: Take the Rebels -4.5.

Indiana at Iowa (-17.5) – ESPN, Noon ET
Iowa remains the least respected undefeated teams from major conferences. They’re playing for respect at home against a truly bad football team. This one should be over early: Take the Hawkeyes -17.5.

Cincinnati at Syracuse (+15) – ESPNU, Noon eastern
Cincinnati is another undefeated team that keeps hearing they’re not good enough to play for the title. The only thing they can do to prove the college football world wrong is to keep going out and smashing the lesser teams. Syracuse is the epitome of a lesser team. The Bearcats roll again this week -15.

Michigan at Illinois (+7) – ABC or ESPN2, 3:30 eastern
The Rod continues his efforts to build Michigan up even as a letter of inquiry from the NCAA arrives in Ann Arbor. It seems some players have complained about having to practice too much. This is Big 10 Football. Go play “intermurals,” brother.

But does anybody wear out a welcome faster than Ron Zook? Remember FireRonZook.com opening up the day he was hired at Florida? They finally ran him off to Illinois, where after some early flash, he’s managed to run that program totally into the toilet. In this battle of embattled programs, Michigan comes out the winner. Better defense + better quarterback + better running game = cover. Wolverines -7.5.

Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt (+11.5) – CSS, 7:30 eastern
Bobby Johnson has Tech fans jacked about the program. His triple-option spread attack is unlike any other offense in the ACC or Vandy’s SEC, and teams have trouble preparing for it in just one week. Vandy won’t be ready for it, and Tech will march all over them. Take the Jackets -11.5.

SUNDAY

The big boys come out to play on Sunday. That’s true for the gridiron as well as the sports books. More money is wagered on the NFL than any other sport, and this year, big favorites have been covering the spread at a record clip, making it one of the worst years in memory for sports books.

So what do we do? We kick ‘em while they’re down.

San Francisco at Indianapolis (-13) *****DOUBLE-DOWN LOCK*****
Vegas needs to rewrite their formulas for point spreads on Sir Peyton. I love Singletary and hopes he fares well, but he’s outmatched on Indy’s home turf. Take the Colts -13, and get it in quick, because this number will probably get bigger.

Carolina at Arizona (-10)
Carolina has whipped some bad teams to scratch their way back to respectability, but Arizona is a hell of a football team. They played in the Super Bowl last year. They just went to New York and beat the Giants. This is a long road trip for Carolina. They’re far from home and outmatched by a long shot: Cards -10

Atlanta at New Orleans (-10)
Atlanta is my home team, and I love them dearly, but this is one of those games in which, as a life-long Falcons fan, you can just see the ass-whipping on its way. Our secondary is a weakness, and New Orleans has a pretty decent passing attack. As much as I hate to say it, this one’s a blowout. Take the Saints -10.

THE RUNDOWN

Ole Miss -4.5 at Auburn – SEC TV, Noon eastern.

Iowa -17.5 vs Indiana – ESPN, Noon eastern

Cincinnati -15 at Syracuse – ESPNU, Noon eastern

Michigan -7 at Illinois – ABC or ESPN2, 3:30 eastern

Georgia Tech -11.5 at Vanderbilt – CSS, 7:30 eastern

Indianapolis -13 vs San Francisco (DOUBLE-DOWN LOCK)

Arizona -10 vs Carolina

New Orleans -10 vs Atlanta

Four Fantasy Tenets Based on lots of Self-Help Reading and Suggestions:

I will not hoard players I do not need. Tony Robbins says in so many words that taking from others is not the way to the best you. Last week I had three tight ends on my bench to keep my arch rival from having a bye week replacement TE. I laughed like Gargamel or Skeletor and I rubbed my hands together as I plotted and schemed and picked up Jermichael Finley who had a juicy Browns match up. This move left me up a fantasy creek without a Ray Rice, and thus a back up RB, and thus, without a win.

I played shell of himself Willie Parker, who isn’t so fast anymore and is hobbled by turf toe. I had Tight-End-orama on my bench, Chris Cooley and Jermichael Finley who were doing very little themselves besides breaking ankles and spraining knees. I had the good fortune of playing Mr. Vernon Davis who finally became who I thought he was. And because of Vernon’s Alex Smith connection, I was in a dogfight with my cross-town rival that I lost by 3 measly points. If I picked up Laurence Maroney and his sleepy 10 points, I would have beat my nemisis. Finley’s one point wouldn’t have helped him any had he plucked him from waivers. Instead the enemy took me to the house with bye week replacement Dante Rosario who scored, you guessed it, three points.

I will ask the universe for what I want. I will ask the universe for someone to drop a running back. As stated before, i need one, and Deepak says to ask the universe for what you want. OK universe, running back, preferably one who doesn’t share too many carries or play the Ravens. Universe, Jamal Charles? Or perhaps “Child Please” won’t see the new found potential of Beanie Wells. I see Wells becoming a HUGE contributor as the season finds the juicy middle. I know rookie RB’s can hit a wall because the length of the college season is so much shorter than the pros, but I like the way Wisenhunt has managed Beanie and kept him almost on a pitch count to keep his confidence in tact. I like Beanie to put up about 10-14 points a game from here on out. Yes Universe, Beanie would be who I want. (I’m asking for what’s plausible too- not Adrian Peterson, because I know the Universe isn’t giving me AD.)

Pull your own strings. Dr. Wayne D calls me to take charge of the things I can control. I cannot let an insane outing by Shonn Greene get me down. I can’t control a stroke of fateful misfortune such as the Leon Washington injury. What I can do, is put the best 9 guys out there that I have on my roster and not worry that my opponent just struck Greene in his quiet desperation to have a running back who was actually playing.

I won’t pine over Miles Austin and lose sleep over his absence on the “Breesettes”. I was outbid by team “Knight of the Sorry Face” by $1. The cookie crumbled. Miles isn’t mine. How could I have known one more dollar would have had him. I will pull the right TE’s string this week and not misplay this position every week, mainly because the other two are both hurt, but I feel in control of the Breesettes. I will not hand the reins of my fantasy team over to CBSSPORTS outlandish GURU anymore. I will be my own guru and I will even allow myself to play a Colt. I have my own fantasy rule which is never draft a guy from my team the Colts because I don’t want to have anger with any of my Colts nor do I want to jinx them. I didn’t follow that rule but need to accept that I did not jinx poor Anthony Gonzalez the first week because of this blatant disregard for that rule. Dr. Wayne Dyer says know what strings you can pull, and which ones are just coincidence.

Envision what you seek to happen: I am imagining Greg Jennings’ giant man hands cradling a pigskin ball in a green and yellow endzone surrounded by cheering fans with cheddar on their melons. I have a clear outlook of Greg Jennings making a Lambeau leap into the loving arms of Packer faithful while Brett Favre buries his head in his hands wishing that he still had a receiver like my Greg. What is the deal with Greg Jennings anyway? Last year touchdowns seemed to rain from his stat line. Is he afraid of the endzone? Is he a decoy? Is he boycotting Aaron Rodgers? Where have all the touchdowns gone? This week I will conjure up a spectacular touchdown for you Gregory. I will make it so in my mind and seal my intention with a nod to Antoine Winfield’s injury……..making vision a reality.

Ahead is a week I can make amends and pick up Jamal Charles for the injured Cooley and stash Mike Wallace on my bench for the war torn Finley. I am not stashing Wallace to keep him from making anybody else’s fantasy candle burn brighter. Wallace is on bye this week. I only want him because I think his mini-hawk’s cool and his nose for the ball may have surpassed that of Holmes and Ward, and I think Big Ben knows it. With all this positive energy, I am due for a real W. However, in the end fantasy laity, as Zig Ziglar says, “if you learn from defeat, you haven’t really lost.”

So why, then, did I have such a difficult time watching football this past weekend at a sports bar? Shouldn’t that be my home away from home?

I was away with friends in Palm Springs this past weekend – so very peaceful and yet so very troubled because for the first time since I was about 11, I was without a DirecTV football package (okay, maybe not quite that long, but much like my iPhone, TiVO, the Internet, central air and the Kardashians, I can’t imagine how my life functioned without it). So, my friends and I made the oh-so-difficult decision to leave our wives and screaming children behind and go to a pub called The Beer Hunter to catch the morning’s activities.

We arrived at 10am, which presented Issue #1: at home, I love that games start at 10am Pacific Time. I get up extra early with the kids so my wife can sleep in (and so she’ll be less irritated when I ignore the family for the rest of the day), grab Starbucks and sink into my couch for a morning of bliss. But when I ordered a regular coffee at The Beer Hunter, it promoted an almost-imperceptible eye roll from our waitress.

Oh… you’re gonna be that guy? her look seemed to say. Ooh, what can I expect? Two refills for the morning? Geez, maybe I can put both kids through college with the 35-cent tip that you leave.

I looked around and saw the half-empty bottles of beer and Bloody Mary glasses. Oh well, I thought… no big deal.

The bar had a pretty nice setup – dozens of screens of various sizes, all playing different NFL games. One of the managers was even taking channel requests. It was all so accommodating. And yet, I missed my big screen, the power of the remote in my hands, my own (clean) bathroom, and the Red Zone Channel. Where have you gone, Andrew Siciliano? Oh well, I thought… no big deal.

Being a fantasy addict, I needed up-to-the-second updates… as did my friends. My buddy Tom brought his laptop and we hooked into to the local Wi-Fi feed. However, I also use my computer to send texts (read: taunts) through our league message board to others, especially my brother. I then use those texts as a basis for my column. I couldn’t use Tom’s computer to do so, so I ended up using my iPhone to track scores and then send texts back and forth. But it just wasn’t the same, and every time I sent a text, I had to go back and restart the fantasy league page, taking up valuable seconds. It was all so… so… 2007. Oh well, I thought… no big deal.

Honestly, I’m just nit-picking here. The main thing was that I was out with friends watching football. Isn’t that enough?

And then, just before kickoff, it started.

“HERE WE GO, STEEEEEEEEEEEEEELERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! HEEEEEEERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

And then I remembered why I don’t go to sports bars. It’s because I hate people. And this guy was the poster boy for why. He looked a bit like Mickey Rourke, in that he had broad shoulders and sported a leathery, worn-out punching bag of a face. He had long silvery hair, with a cap on backward and a Steelers jersey. And he sounded exactly like Tommy from The Karate Kid… so much so, that I wanted to go over and ask him to say “Get him a body bag! Yeahhhhhhhhhh!” But I didn’t… I figured there was about a 90% chance of him saying it on his own if Adrian Peterson went down.

“Um, waitress?” I had a tough time flagging her down at first, since she had me pegged as Cheap N’ Sober Coffee Guy. I finally got her attention, and ordered a beer. I’d need something to soften the blow of Steeler Guy’s screams.

[By the way, I’m no chemist, but I’m pretty sure if you took a gallon of vodka, mixed it with a cold, hours-old, microwaved pizza, let it sit for nine hours, add really shitty hot coffee, and then poured beer over it, it would burn a hole in an aluminum can. My stomach is no controlled lab setting, but I can report some initial findings that confirm this.]

Anyway, Steeler Guy was boisterous early and often… and he wasn’t even like those pain in the ass Boston fans, who at least throw a few creative zingers out once in a while. The best Steelers Guy could only come up with was “Yeah!” “Let’s Go Stee-lers!” and my favorite, “Give it to All Day Long Mendenhall!!!!”, a reference, presumably, to AP’s nickname of “All Day.” It was a clever deviation, admittedly, though I’m not sure everyone got his clever play on words.

Thankfully, Minnesota started getting in a rhythm and moving the football. Thank god, I thought… that should shut him up.

Bu then: “YEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, BABY!! KICK THOSE STEEELERS’ ASS, BRETT!!”

Oh no.

There he was: Head-Shaved Overweight Vikings Dude, sitting no less than ten feet from Steelers Guy. This couldn’t possibly end well, could it? Head-Shaved Overweight Vikings Dude was ratcheting up his cheering, and I watched Steelers Guy turn and move his seat so he could be closer to it.

I quickly looked to the “rules and regulations” on the back of the Beer Hunter menu. Let’s see… you were not allowed to taunt other teams’ fans and there was no chest bumping. Nothing about simple drunken yelling. This was a sports bar, after all.

Damn.

I headed to the bathroom – I’m not sure if I had to go or not. I just needed the momentary peace and quiet.

No such luck.

For their patrons’ enjoyment, The Beer Hunter tapes a copy of the LA Times’ sports pages to the wall of the urinal. The guy next to me was reading intently. I know this, of course, because he was reading aloud… at about a second grade level.

“Ti-tans couch Jeff Feesher was crit… crit… crit-uh-sized for ay-tending a ree-cent event for wearing a Pee-ton Manning jer-sey…”

I tried clicking my heels three times, but when I opened my eyes, I wasn’t home. I was still next to C’mon-You-Can-Do-It-Just-Sound-It-Out News Guy. “Pssssh… he wishes he had Peyton Manning as his quarterback.” I’m not sure if he was saying that to me or himself – either way, I made a beeline for the sink, washed my hands and headed for the door. I’m not even sure if I was done pissing or not.

It was a tough morning as the coffee and beer swirled and gurgled in my stomach, and Steelers Guy’s & Head-Shaved Overweight Vikings Dude’s alternating rants swirled and gurgled in my head. The worst part of it was that I was rooting for the Steelers, since I was starting Ben Roethlisberger and Hines Ward. But Steeler Guy got to me… I felt compelled to switch allegiances and root for the Vikings just so he could leave the bar with his tail between his legs. And in doing so, I’m almost positive it ruined my mojo and destroyed Ben and Hines for the day. After all, what else could explain a measly 175 passing yards, let alone one catch for six? (Not to mention the fact that the Steelers still won the freaking game)

Coming to this place ruined my chances for a much-needed victory and increased the possibility for either a “How to Blow Up Your Team” article and/or a No Mas letter to my league commissioner (update: draft v1 now complete).

If I’d been home, I would’ve won in a walk. I’m convinced of it.

But at least I got to spend a fun morning with friends. And that’s what all this is all about, right?

Right?

Anyone?

Bueller?

****

A few additional observations from the weekend that was…

As a follow-up to last week, the dreadfuller get even more full o’ dread. Of the eight teams I listed in last week’s column (Titans, Rams, Buccaneers, Browns, Chiefs, Lions, Raiders and Redskins), six played (Detroit and Tenn were on BYE). They lost by a collective score of 183 to 23 (with no team scoring more than seven points).

183 to 23.

So, if you haven’t already, do yourself a favor and pursue these matchups in the weeks to come – pick up defenses that are playing them, no matter if they aren’t top-tier (I don’t want to give away my top add/drop for this week, but it rhymes with Lan Biego). Play RBs you normally would laugh at (Hi, Laurence Maroney… it’s been a while). Pick up a WR you might have given up on w few weeks back (Mr. Hester, I presume?). You won’t be sorry.

****

One of the hot rookie sleepers coming into the season was Shonn Greene of the New York Jets. The problem was his being third on the depth chart behind the everybody-thinks-he-sucks-but-he-just-keeps-coming-through Thomas Jones and Leon Washington.

Now, with Washington out for the season with a broken leg, Greene gets a chance to work behind an offensive line that’s helped Jets RBs rush for 300+ yards in back to back games. Greene had 144 yards and 2 TDs on Sunday – yes, it was against the Oakland Raiders, but still worth a look.

****

Speaking of rookie RBs who received a lot of praise before the season started, people are raving about Beanie Wells’ performance against the Giants on Sunday night (67 yards, 1 TD). On the plus side, Wells looks healthy, and possesses a promising mix of power and speed. People are saying he could eventually be a poor man’s Adrian Peterson.

However, he still fumbles a lot (including another against the NYG) – and you’ll never gain your coach’s confidence that way. So even though he might start to break out, he won’t start getting significant minutes (and tip the scales in his favor vs. Timmy Hightower) until he stops putting the ball on the ground.

****

Ok, so he got a little lucky, but I told you Hakeem Nicks was worth picking up (80 yards and a TD – his fourth straight game with a score). And if Mario Manningham keeps dropping balls (seven already this season – his sights clearly set on Braylon’s record), Hakeem will get more and more time on the field. He’s a future star for this team.

****

Wait one more week before you try to sell Miles Austin off – he’s got one more potential defense-shredding performance in him (against Seattle at home – sorry, Tom) before he falls back to earth.

Hard.

****

Ok, that’s it… I’m calling it. On November 26, time of death: 6pm (as of this writing). Farewell, Matt Forte. We hardly knew you.

****

Oh, and in case I had any doubt I was cursed this season: picked up Brian Westbrook this week after one of the other owners dropped him.

Three plays, 13 yards, one concussion.

The lesson, of course: NEVER PLAY FANTASY FOOTBALL.

(sigh)

Until next week…