Quarterbacks

Can’t Miss Starters

Drew Brees NO vs. CAR
Tom Brady NE vs. MIA
Peyton Manning IND vs. HOU

Strong Starters

Philip Rivers SD at NYG
Donovan McNabb PHI vs. DAL
Aaron Rodgers GB at TB
Tony Romo DAL at PHI
Matt Schaub HOU at IND

Mediocre Starters

Kurt Warner AZ at CHI
Ben Roethlisberger PIT at DEN
Carson Palmer CIN vs. BAL
Joe Flacco BAL at CIN
Jay Cutler CHI vs. AZ
Matt Hasselbeck SEA vs. DET
Matt Ryan ATL vs. WAS
Eli Manning NYG vs. SD
Kyle Orton DEN vs. PIT
Alex Smith SF vs. TEN

Weak Starters

David Garrard JAC vs. KC
Vince Young TEN at SF
Matt Cassel KC at JAC
Jake Delhomme CAR at NO

Bench Warmers

Chad Henne MIA at NE
Jason Campbell WAS at ATL
Matthew Stafford DET at SEA

Runningbacks

Can’t Miss Starters

Maurice Jones-Drew JAC vs. KC

Strong Starters

Chris Johnson TEN at SF
Ray Rice BAL at CIN
Michael Turner ATL vs. WAS
Frank Gore SF vs. TEN
DeAngelo Williams CAR at NO
Brandon Jacobs NYG vs. SD
Ronnie Brown MIA at NE
Ryan Grant GB at TB
Pierre Thomas NO vs. CAR
Julius Jones SEA vs. DET
Matt Forte CHI vs. AZ
LaDainian Tomlinson SD at NYG

Mediocre Starters

Cedric Benson CIN vs. BAL
Marion Barber DAL at PHI
Clinton Portis WAS at ATL
Tim Hightower AZ at CHI
Joseph Addai IND vs. HOU
Rashard Mendenhall PIT at DEN
Brian Westbrook PHI vs. DAL
Cadillac Williams TB vs. GB
Knowshon Moreno DEN vs. PIT
Jonathan Stewart CAR at NO
Laurence Maroney NE vs. MIA
Kevin Smith DET at SEA
Ahmad Bradshaw NYG vs. SD
Jamaal Charles KC at JAC
Ricky Williams MIA at NE
Steve Slaton HOU at IND
Mike Bell NO vs. CAR

Weak Starters

LeSean McCoy PHI vs. DAL
Felix Jones DAL at PHI
Ryan Moats HOU at IND
Chris Wells AZ at CHI
Willie Parker PIT at DEN
Correll Buckhalter DEN vs. PIT
Maurice Morris DET at SEA
Darren Sproles SD at NYG
Tashard Choice DAL at PHI

Bench Warmers

Willis McGahee BAL at CIN
Reggie Bush NO vs. CAR
Justin Forsett SEA vs. DET
Garrett Wolfe CHI vs. AZ
Derrick Ward TB vs. GB
LenDale White TEN at SF
Kevin Faulk NE vs. MIA
Ladell Betts WAS at ATL
Chad Simpson IND vs. HOU
Glen Coffee SF vs. TEN
Chris Brown HOU at IND

Wide Receivers

Can’t Miss Starters

Reggie Wayne IND vs. HOU
Randy Moss NE vs. MIA
Marques Colston NO vs. CAR
Vincent Jackson SD at NYG
Andre Johnson HOU at IND
Roddy White ATL vs. WAS
Wes Welker NE vs. MIA

Strong Starters

DeSean Jackson PHI vs. DAL
Larry Fitzgerald AZ at CHI
Miles Austin DAL at PHI
Greg Jennings GB at TB
Donald Driver GB at TB
Steve Smith NYG vs. SD
Chad Johnson CIN vs. BAL
Hines Ward PIT at DEN
Nate Burleson SEA vs. DET
Mike Sims-Walker JAC vs. KC
Calvin Johnson DET at SEA (assuming he can play)
Brandon Marshall DEN vs. PIT

Mediocre Starters

Dwayne Bowe KC at JAC
Steve Smith CAR at NO
Santana Moss WAS at ATL
Devin Hester CHI vs. AZ
T.J. Houshmandzadeh SEA vs. DET
Michael Crabtree SF vs. TEN
Santonio Holmes PIT at DEN
Derrick Mason BAL at CIN
Hakeem Nicks NYG vs. SD
Austin Collie IND vs. HOU
Kevin Walter HOU at IND
Antonio Bryant TB vs. GB
Nate Washington TEN at SF
Devery Henderson NO vs. CAR
Johnny Knox CHI vs. AZ
Anquan Boldin AZ at CHI (assuming he can play)
Jeremy Maclin PHI vs. DAL

Weak Starters

Malcom Floyd SD at NYG
Bryant Johnson DET at SEA
Steve Breaston AZ at CHI (bump up to Strong Starter if Boldin is out)
Torry Holt JAC vs. KC
Roy Williams DAL at PHI
Mario Manningham NYG vs. SD
Brian Hartline MIA at NE
Patrick Crayton DAL at PHI
Pierre Garcon IND vs. HOU
Robert Meachem NO vs. CAR
Mark Clayton BAL at CIN
Mike Thomas JAC vs. KC
Bobby Wade KC at JAC
Jacoby Jones HOU at IND
Eddie Royal DEN vs. PIT
Lance Moore NO vs. CAR

Bench Warmers

Sam Aiken NE vs. MIA
Andre Caldwell CIN vs. BAL
Devin Thomas WAS at ATL
Dennis Northcutt DET at SEA
Ted Ginn MIA at NE
Chris Henry CIN vs. BAL
Kenny Britt TEN at SF

Tight Ends

Can’t Miss Starters

Dallas Clark IND vs. HOU
Tony Gonzalez ATL vs. WAS
Vernon Davis SF vs. TEN

Strong Starters

Antonio Gates SD at NYG
Brent Celek PHI vs. DAL
Jeremy Shockey NO vs. CAR
Fred Davis WAS at ATL
Greg Olsen CHI vs. AZ
Jason Witten DAL at PHI
Heath Miller PIT at DEN

Mediocre Starters

Kellen Winslow TB vs. GB
Todd Heap BAL at CIN
Marcedes Lewis JAC vs. KC
Tony Scheffler DEN vs. PIT
Joel Dreesen HOU at IND
John Carlson SEA vs. DET
Sean Ryan KC at JAC
Donald Lee GB at TB
Ben Watson NE vs. MIA

Weak Starters

Brandon Pettigrew DET at SEA
Kevin Boss NYG vs. SD

Bench Warmers

Spencer Havner GB at TB
Anthony Fasano MIA at NE
Bo Scaife TEN at SF
Martellus Bennett DAL at PHI
Daniel Graham DEN vs. PIT

Kickers

Just pick one.

Defense

Can’t Miss Starters

New Orleans vs. Carolina

Strong Starters

Philadelphia vs. Dallas
Denver vs. Pittsburgh
New England vs. Miami
Green Bay at Tampa Bay
San Francisco vs. Tennessee
Atlanta vs. Washington
Seattle vs. Detroit

Mediocre Starters

Pittsburgh at Denver
Jacksonville vs. Kansas City
Baltimore at Cincinnati
Cincinnati vs. Baltimore
New York Giants vs. San Diego
Arizona at Chicago

Weak Starters

Chicago vs. Arizona
Indianapolis vs. Houston
San Diego at New York Giants
Dallas at Philadelphia
Washington at Atlanta

Bench Warmers

Tennessee at San Francisco
Detroit at Seattle
Tampa Bay vs. Green Bay
Houston at Indianapolis
Miami at New England
Kansas City at Jacksonville
Carolina at New Orleans

Oklahoma State’s Dez Bryant got word from the NCAA that he will remain suspended for the rest of the season for lying to NCAA investigators. Meanwhile, Florida linebacker Brandon Spikes was caught on film trying his best to gouge a Georgia player’s eyes out, and Urban Meyer suspended him for half a game, a penalty later upheld by the NCAA.

So, lying gets you a season, and attempting to permanently blind another player gets you half an hour. That makes good sense. And, it’s half a game against Vanderbilt, no less, which is really more like a quarter against a real football team.  The penalty was such a joke that Spikes decided to go ahead and suspend himself for the whole Vanderbilt game. Are you kidding me? Urban Meyer is like school in the summertime: No class.

But I digress. This space is not about righting wrongs, it’s about winning. Going into last weekend, we were down a modest $7500 on the season (playing $1,000 a bet). That’s completely unacceptable, of course, so in order to get our victory train back on track, we needed a big Saturday, and we got one.

We started with a loser when Auburn completely demolished Ole Miss. Let’s review the pre-season predictions of Tim Brando, the top college football man at CBS Sports. He said Ole Miss had more talent than Alabama. He said Jevan Snead was the best quarterback in the SEC, maybe the country. He said Houston Nutt was a better coach than Nick Saban. Strike three, Timmy: You suck.

The rest of the day was smokin’ hot, with regular picks going 3-1 after the Ole Miss loss, and TWINNERs nailing three victories without a loss.

Headed into Sunday, it looked like we were about to finally put The Man down for good. And then it happened. The 0-fer, as in 0 for 3. No wins.  We picked only three games – all favorites – and the ghost of Dan’s early season comments came back to bite us on the ass. Colts: LOSER. Cards: LOSER. Saints: LOSER. The lone bright spot was the only TWINNER of the day: Vikings over the Packers.

Mathematically speaking, it’s just as hard to lose every game as it is to win every game. So we’ve proven, at the very least, that we’re capable of winning every game. Giddy up.

The Tally:

Regular Picks    3-5 (-$2500)

TWINNERs:       4-0 (+$4000)

Week:               +$1500

Season:                        -$6000

SATURDAY WINNERS

Ohio St. at Penn St.
Big 10 football excites me about as much as a dirt clod. The lone exception is Penn St., who can put some offense together when they protect their quarterback. Meanwhile in Columbus, Jim Tressel has managed to take a ton of raw, undeveloped talent in quarterback Terrelle Pryor and, in two years of coaching, helped him grow into a ton of raw, undeveloped talent. Pryor is worse right now than he was in his first start. Nice job, Sweatervest. Take the Nittany Lions at home -3.5.

Wake Forest at Ga. Tech
The Demon Deacons are tough to figure. Just two years ago they played in the ACC Championship Game in Jacksonville in a driving rain in front of dozens of people. Does anyone really care who wins the ACC? Now, Wake is struggling to beat junior high teams while hanging tough with the big boys. But we’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: Bobby Johnson rules. His triple-option spread attack is almost impossible to prepare for in one week, and Wake just doesn’t have the muscle on defense to slow down the Ramblin’ Wreck. Take the Jackets -14.

Connecticut at Cincinnati
The Bearcats are going to do their dead-level best to destroy all the mediocre teams they play this year to impress the pollsters and try to nudge themselves into a chance at the title. Here’s comes another chump: Connecticut. Cincinnati is a covering machine: Take the Bearcats -17

USC at Arizona St.
USC is always tough after a loss. Look for them to rebound big this week and run it up on Arizona St. The Sun Devils are 4-4 on the season, but their four wins came against teams with a combined record of 8-25. This one’s not even close: Trojans -10.

Colorado St. at UNLV
Here’s one for the late-night crowd. These are two of the worst teams in D1 football, but the winner of this game still has a shot at a bowl berth. Is the Poulan Weedeater Bowl still around? Maybe they’ll make the Papa John’s Bowl in Birmingham, Ala., played at a stadium so sketchy that in spite of purchasing the bowl naming rights, Papa John’s won’t deliver pizzas to the neighborhood where the game is played. Take the Rams in a pick ‘em

SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY

We still have that 0-fer from last Sunday to contend with. Three games and no wins make Jimmy a psychotic bastard. In fact, all year long, Sundays have been tough on The System, but as more games are played and more numbers are crunched, and more trends get established, the odds tilt ever more in our favor. And is there anything in gambling better than a big old pile of DUE? We’re due baby, and I think it’s just about time to kick some Sunday ass.

Baltimore at Cincinnati
The Ravens got off to a hot start then cooled off for a few games before finally getting back off the skids last weekend. After losing three heart-breakers in a row, Baltimore rebounded by handing the Broncos their first loss of the year in a convincing fashion. Cincinnati has played way over their heads this year – Take the Ravens -3.

Carolina at New Orleans
New Orleans has covered almost every game this season (except the two weeks that I picked them.) Carolina shocked us last week by going to Arizona and getting a win, but the only other games the Panthers have won – or even been close in – were against Washington and Tampa Bay. Yikes. Brees is already salivating over this Panther defense: Take the Saints -13.

Dallas at Philly
Dallas is way overrated. Receiver Roy Williams – who leads the world in dropped balls – actually had this to say recently about Tony Romo: “It’s just not even close. … I’m the No. 1 receiver. But things are just going No. 2’s way. He gets the ball thrown correctly his way. I’m stretching and falling and doing everything.”

Yeah, Roy, you’re doing everything except catching the damn ball. I wouldn’t throw you a hot potato, butterfingers. Imagine that – discord in Dallas. Philadelphia rolls: Take the Eagles -3.

Pittsburgh at Denver
Denver’s dream start came crashing down around them last week as the Ravens dismantled them en route to a 30-7 whipping, and that’s coming off a bye week for Denver. So are they as good as we once thought? No, they are not. This week, it’s Pittsburgh coming off the bye and travelling to Mile High for a Monday night matchup. Denver is good, but Pittsburgh is Super Bowl material: Take the Steelers -3.

THE RUNDOWN

Penn St. -3 vs Ohio Sweater

Georgia Tech -14 vs Wake Forest

Cincinnati -17 vs Connetticut (That’s how it should be spelled, damnit.)

USC -10 at Arizona St.

Colorado St. pick ‘em at UNLV

Baltimore -3 at Cincinnati

New Orleans -13 vs Carolina

Philly -3 vs Cowgirls

Pittsburgh -3 at Denver

And remember, at 13-3 on the season, our TWINNERs are kicking some bookie ass this year, so follow me on Twitter for exclusive TWINNER picks and game day commentary. We may even have a TWINNER on tonight’s college game, where Vince Dooley’s son Pat hopes to right La. Tech’s listing ship against powerhouse Boise St.

How bad is it for Dooley? His mother, Barbara, summed it up pretty well on the Paul Finebaum Show this week: “Right now, he’s sucking wind.” Thanks, Mom.

Going into the game, I was up 20 points and feeling somewhat optimistic about my chances… not confident, just optimistic. I knew this one was going to be a shootout, and that White has been on a tear. Nothing was a given.

After the first quarter, I felt even better, with White held to a single catch for 5 yards. By halftime, he had 21 quiet yards and his QB, Matt Ryan, was clearly having trouble getting him the ball (including throwing an interception intended for him). I actually felt my sphincter loosen, albeit ever-so-slightly.

Ah, how things can change in a matter of seconds. 86 of them, to be exact. That’s when Ryan hit White for a sixty-eight yard touchdown catch*. I watched the score jump up – from 90.4 – 72.4 to 90.4 – 85.2. I felt my sphincter slam shut – there was actually even a audible, metallic clink as it locked itself up for the night, final score be damned.

*[By the way, this was the FOURTH 65+yard touchdown play of the weekend scored by one of my opponent’s players, including a monster run by Frank Gore and two by Maurice Jones-Drew. And yes, I threw up in my mouth each time. You know, all that acid is really bad for the teeth enamel. I don’t know how models do it.]

With 8:29 left in the quarter, Ryan hit White for 19 more yards, putting my opponent at 90.1 points (1.9 points for the yardage, plus three bonus points for clearing 100 yards). With an entire quarter and a half to go, I was staring at the prospect of a defeat, a 2-6 record, the inevitable retirement from my league, and assigning writing duties for this site to someone who actually knows something about football.

At 11:30 of the 4^th quarter, it was all over. White caught a diving TD pass in the end zone to tie the game at 28. My opponent’s score jumped up to 96.8. I hung my head. Sweat started to form on my upper lip. My heart started to pound. The room started to spin. I’m pretty sure my bowels released right there on the spot.

You know, if the Spanish Inquisition were around today, they would make people play fantasy football instead of threaten them with bodily harm. You can break a man’s spirit far more easily.

But wait… was that a TD catch?

Upon further review, that ball most definitely hit the ground.

“This is fantastic!” my Right Brain cried out. “They have to call that back. We still have hope!”

But Left Brain hmmpfed, “Oh, please. There’s still an entire quarter left to play for this guy to get three measly yards. Three! Even Matt Forte can get three yards…”

“Yeah, on two carries,” Right Brain retorted.

Heh. Good one, Right Brain.

But Left Brain was right… I mean, correct.

“They might as well just uphold the call now, so you’re spared the disappointment later,” LB said to me.

“You’re always bringing him down! This is why he’s such a depressed mess! Don’t you see what happens when you rob a man of his hope? He has nothing left… NOTHING!!” Right Brain shouted back, on fire now.

I sat back and closed my eyes, not sure what to hope for. I didn’t realize that my wife had entered the room, saw me in shut-eyed anguish, and noticed the score on the screen. I opened my eyes to hear a mouse-like scuttling of feet across the tiled floor in escape. She knew what was at stake and that it was best to stay away. Far, far away.

Back from commercial, the referee concluded that the pass was, indeed, incomplete. Decision was overturned. Victory still a possibility. Play on, playa.

Good times.

What followed is a little game I like to call “Huzzah!! / Mother F@*ker!!”

Huzzah!! Back in the red zone once again, Ryan is intercepted!

Mother F@*ker!! The Saints score all too easily and the Falcons get the ball back with three looooong minutes to go.

Huzzah!! On 1^st-and-10 from the Atlanta 47, Ryan is sacked and fumbles… and the Saints recover!!

Mother F@*ker!! The play is challenged and overturned (Ryan’s arm was ruled to be moving forward when hit).

Huzzah!! When play resumes, Ryan misses Roddy White twice, including a 4^th-and-10. The Saints get the ball back with 1:42 left. I actually allow myself a somewhat restrained first pump…

Mother F@*ker!! …which clearly irks the Fantasy Football Gods, who decide to teach me a lesson about chicken counting. The Saints don’t even go three-and-out. Instead, Mike Bell does his Beanie Wells impression and fumbles the ball at the 46 yard line. The Saints take up a whopping 19 seconds. Falcons’ ball with 1:23 to go.

Huzzah!! The Falcons march downfield without so much as looking White’s way, ending up with a field goal. Onside kick time. All the Saints have to do it fall on it…

Mother F@*ker!! Consider the bed shat on. Saints cough up the kick, giving the Roddy Whites (I mean, the Falcons) one more shot.

Huzzah!! After an incompletion, Ryan heaves the ball downfield in hopes of a miracle catch by Roddy White. The ball hangs in the air for 20-30 minutes, only to end up in the arms of my new favorite player, Darren Sharper (who was my least favorite player only a few minutes earlier, when he let a sure INT slip through his hands). Game over.

Mother F@*ker!!  I have to play again next week.

My heart can’t take this.

Left Brain chimes in: “This is not a healthy pastime. You really need to think about quitting after this game – go out on a good note, at least.

Phooey, I say. Right Brain, let him have it.

But Right Brain stared sheepishly at his medulla oblongata. “Sorry, dude… I have to agree this time. I mean, I almost exploded during this game. Where’s the fun in that?”

But thankfully, as weak as he was, Heart gave a thumbs up… “one more week” he whispered.

One more week, indeed. I’m 3-5, baby. The comeback starts now!

God help me.

****

A few other brief, random notes from this weekend’s activity…

Tough week for owners of Houston players. First, Steve Slaton gets yanked and then Owen Daniels goes down for the season. I know what you’re thinking: if you have Andre Johnson, should you be worried?

Let me answer that in three parts:

Steve Slaton: I tried to tell you all the way back around Draft time that Slaton was going be trouble this year. As my brother said in our Draft Recap: “I hated the Slaton pick. I hated him last year too – but this year, reports are that he looks sluggish, they are taking touches away from him, and he’s losing goal line carries. I was staying away from him at all costs.” Maybe he comes back, maybe he doesn’t… but if you’re not preparing to sit him and/or pick up Ryan Moats on the waiver wire, you so crazy.

Owen Daniels: Nothing I can say here other than that sucks, dude. Daniels was a monster this season – the top scoring tight end and as much as a sure thing as you can have at that position. And as much as it absolutely pains me to say it… wait a sec…

[frantically scouring the waiver wire for a better suggestion…]

[sigh]

I guess this means people will finally start picking up Jeremy Shockey, the least liked player in the entire league.

Andre Johnson: The guy was coughing up blood as a result of the San Francisco game, and even that didn’t stop him. I’m pretty sure you have to shoot him to keep him out of the lineup at this point. But keep in mind that Kevin Walter’s lack of productivity and Daniels’ injury puts more attention on him, so he may have some trouble putting up his usual numbers right now.

****

Best quote of the weekend came from Andrew Siciliano of The Red Zone Channel: “There’s JaMarcus Russell, wearing a wool cap in the 80 degree weather. I guess his brain doesn’t generate any heat…”

****

It should be part of the NFL’s contract that every time Vernon Davis scores a touchdown, they have to show a closeup of him after he takes his helmet off. That dude has the best hair since Christopher “Kid” Reid.

 ****

Sell em…

• Matt Forte – I know I said he was dead last week. But this Sunday was merely a death rattle…  I mean, sure it was nice he scored two TDs against one of the worst teams in the league. But he still needed 26 carries to get 90 yards, man. That’s not even 3 ½ yards per. With the rough road Chicago has ahead, I’m telling you now, sell this guy off before he puts up four straight games of sub-60 yard efforts and no TDs.
• LaDanian Tomlinson – This was as good as it gets, people.
• Kevin Smith –Tthat shoulder isn’t going to get better any time this season, is it…

 ****

 Oh, and before we go… a quick random pull from the mailbag.

“I don’t have a question. I just wanted to say hi… y’know, in case you thought I was dead.” (Cal Johnson, Detroit)

[banging my head against the desk]

See you next week…