Then, there are the single-win teams: the Browns, Chiefs and Lions.

 Not far behind are some truly awful 2-4 teams, including the Redskins (who provided the Lions and Chiefs with their one win, and whose only victories have come at the expense of the Rams and Bucs) and the Raiders (who despite last week’s win over Philly may still be the worst team in the NFL).

[Speaking of which: Hey, JaMarcus… Joe Pisarcik called and wants his until-now undisputed title of Worst QB in NFL History back]

 From a fantasy perspective, defenses (see 49ers, SF) and special teams (see Royal, Eddie) have been running wild and making the difference in almost every game.

 [Note: My crack staff researched our CBS Sportsline league, and found that average scoring for my league is up eight points (89 vs. 81) over last year, with Defense representing 4 points and QB representing the other 3 (RBs and WRs were even.)]

 From week to week, you have no idea what you’ll get from the likes of MJD or Randy Moss… so folks are salivating on their computers as they scour the waiver wire for whatever defenses are lining up against the aforementioned bottom of the barrel teams.

 And it’s working.

 Mostly against me.

 ****

 With a little assistance from one of the great sports movies of all time, this week’s column is a tribute to the inconsistencies and ineptitude of 2009.

 Speaking of ineptitude, my 2-4 juggernaut plays Rotoholic co-founder Ryan this week. What does that mean?

 BAD NEWS FOR RYAN!!

 ****

Tanner: We lost eighteen to nuthin’, Buttercrud! And the Athletics are the worst team in the league!
Ahmad: Second worst.
Tanner: Sorry… I forgot.

 The envelope, please.

And the worst team in the League goes to: The St. Louis Rams! Face it – even after the 59-0 blowout, you’d take the Titans and lay at least three points in a heartbeat over the Rams, right? Home, away… doesn’t matter. The Rams have scored a whopping FIFTY-FOUR points this season and their Points For-Points Against differential is a league leading 115.

 Just for comparison’s sake, the 0-16 Lions scored 62 points in their first three games last year. At least there were times when you thought they had a shot.

By the way, mark your calendars for November 1, when the Rams square off against the Lions in Detroit… maybe the Rams’s only shot not to repeat last season’s Detroit Debacle. You think I’m kidding, but I’ll be glued to the TV for that.

Buttermaker: Listen, Lupus, you didn’t come into this life just to sit around on a dugout bench, did ya? Now get your ass out there and do the best you can.

To Sidney Rice and of Minnesota and Hakeem Nicks of the NY Giants. Rice has overcome some early injury problems to be an increasingly important part of the Vikings’ offense. Hicks has done the same… after getting carted off the field in the Giants’ first game, he’s been making a splash in the past three (TDs in each and over 100 yards against NO). He’s one of the reasons I suggested you sell high on Steve Smith a few weeks back (as I did). First, I think the Giants will continue to try and get back to being a run-firth team. Second, Nicks is the big target that Eli needs (a la Plaxico Burress), especially when he starts overthrowing when under pressure/in bad weather/when it’s too sunny/when someone in the stadium coughs (i.e., a lot).

I’m not sure you want to make either a go-to WR just yet (although I should mention that the Giants are playing the Cardinals this week, who are 31^st against the pass so far this season), but if you have a slot for them on your roster, get them now and see what develops.

Buttermaker: This quitting thing, it’s a hard habit to break once you start.

(Alternate title: Now get back to the stands before I shave off half your mustache and shove it up your left nostril.)

To the Tennessee Titans. I wrote a few weeks back how I was amazed that Jeff Fisher’s head wasn’t on the chopping block after the team’s terrible start. Well, all that should change after the abysmal 59-0 drubbing in New England. The team just flat out quit.

From a fantasy standpoint, it’s not a whole lot rosier, even if you have Chris Johnson. Sure, he had 128 yards last weekend, but they were mostly let-the-clock-run plays that NE was all too happy to oblige. Truth is, Tennessee falls behind too early and too often to rely on Johnson driving the offense (see Games 3-5, where CJ totaled 214 yards, no TDs and a fumble). While Tennessee doesn’t exactly face a murderer’s row coming out of a bye in Week 8 (Jax, SF, Buffalo, Houston and Arizona), I wouldn’t be counting on him too heavily. And I think it goes without saying to avoid all other Titans (even Rob Bironas) for the rest of the year.

Jimmy Feldman: If you were so great, how come you never made it to the major leagues?
Buttermaker: Contract disputes.

 To Michael Crabtree. In a surprising move, Mike Singletary is going to roll the dice and start the holdout this week. I’m of the mind he’ll be a decoy in the early goings, but am I crazy to think that this guy is going to pulling down some numbers in the not-too-distant future? With Frank Gore coming back this week and more attention on the running game, he’s bound to get some opportunities. If you’re in a PPR league and have a deep bench, put a decent-sized bid on him.

Buttermaker: There was nothing easy about those fly balls, Ahmad. They were tough chances! The sun was in your eyes!
Ahmad: Don’t give me none of your honky bullshit, Buttermaker. I know they were easy.
Buttermaker: Let’s not bring race into this, Ahmad. We got enough problems as it is.

To Matt Forte. Dude, I understand you have issues. Your offensive line hasn’t been opening up big enough holes for you… your QB is pass-happy… you’ve been hurt. Excuses or not, your season isn’t working out like anyone had hoped. The Bears need to take a page out of Baltimore’s book (not the one about losing in the last second of games) and start throwing you tons of screen passes like they do with Motherf*cking Ray Rice (sorry, Ray – no ill will meant. I played against you last week).

I mean, the Ravens have no real running game to speak of at this point and yet they have a top-tier fantasy running back.

Will this happen for Matt? Yes, and probably as soon as this week (since I’m playing against him)… but then not again until playoff time. Just call it a hunch.

Amanda: Hey, Buttermaker! Maybe next spring you’ll teach me how to run the Wildcat.
Buttermaker: You bet.

Okay, so I paraphrased that one a little bit. I had a friend over on Sunday and he asked me what I thought about the Wildcat offense. The thing is, it is a gimmick – but like Mr. Miyagi said: if do right, none can defense. Now, the Dolphins do right, and by all means they should continue to squeeze all they can out of it (because lord knows that Chad Henne ain’t winning them any games this year).

 But, hey, Cleveland… just because your kick returner is your best and only impact player on the whole freaking team, it doesn’t mean you should run him out there to execute the Wildcat (let alone for THREE STRAIGHT PLAYS. I mean, if I could’ve bet that series would’ve ended in an interception – which it did – I would’ve put my house 60%-less-valuable-then-when-I-bought-it house on it).

Ahmad: This is for Allah. And it’s goin’ way out there, sucka!

To Ryan Grant, who I am predicting finally has the breakout week everyone had been expecting from him all season. I’m telling you – this is my Schwinn Bicycle Lock of the Week.

I know he came up short in Detroit and that most of his 90 yards were late in garbage time. But Cleveland will defend the pass a lot better than the run, and I think he’s ready to take the reins.

Start him. Taunt your friends about it. Call them girl names. Make them eat dog poop. You won’t be sorry.

Buttermaker: Do you want to quit, Tanner?
Tanner: Crud, no. I want to play ball.

To every fantasy owner who is 2-4 or worse at this point. It’s a long season. Don’t panic. Luck changes. Tides turn. Jobu accepts cigars and rum.

So, don’t make that 3-for-1 deal for Rashard Mendenhall because you’re desperate for a RB. Give your guys another week or so to make it happen. Who knows? Maybe this is the week that Justin Fargas channels his inner Barry Sanders.

If that doesn’t work, then stay tuned for the How to Blow Up Your Team article, which I’ll be writing in about two weeks (y’know… when I’m 2-6 and trying to roofie myself to make the nightmares stop).

Until then… good luck.