I’d like to kick off this week’s column by officially welcoming our newest contributor, Jimmy Doo. “J-Doo” is an important addition to the Rotoholics family. Frankly, we haven’t been the same since our “By the Numbers” guy, Dan Sergott, was lost to… well, to a really bad case of I-can’t-do-shit-itis.

Jimmy’s got out of the gate strong in his debut, with a great call of South Florida putting the ball where the oranges don’t grow at FSU. The rest of his Saturday could be described as uneven, I suppose. I can only imagine that the Smirnoff & Mountain Dew wasn’t going down smoothly as he gagged on Miami and Washington’s respective ass-kickings. But can’t fault him too much – he finished Saturday with a 3-3 record* and rebounded well on Sunday with a 3-1 record with his pro bets.

[Editor’s note: Yes, 3-3. I know it looks like 2-4, but I think he meant to bet Purdue over ND given the description he wrote. That’s actually my fault – as his editor, I should’ve caught that.]

Anyway, welcome aboard, Jimmy. Now, on to a little fantasy recap of the past weekend that was.

It’s like I always say – when you’re down a touchdown with less than two minutes to play, the guy I want with the ball is Seneca Wallace.

Clearly Mark Sanchez doesn’t watch SportsCenter, otherwise he might have seen replays of McNabb and Hasselback getting Mallachi Crunched at the goal line stretching for touchdowns. Not only did the Dirty One go for broke, he lowered his head in the process, just waiting to perfect his Darryl Stingley impression. Dude, take it easy. Wait for me to own you in fantasy before you wreck your body. That’s what everyone else does.

If you were an NFL head coach, would you keep that red replay flag buried in your sock? Bill Belichick almost fell over on Sunday trying to dig that thing out and get a challenge in before the next play started. I mean, it’s not like he doesn’t want to ruin the lining of his silk suit jacket or mess up the crease in his pants. The guy dresses more casually than I do on Sundays. He can’t put it in one of those big ol’ sweatshirt pockets? For a Wile E. Coyote-level supergenius, sometimes that guy baffles me (see: Bowl, Super; New York Giants; 6:49 to go in 3rd quarter; leading 7-3; decision to go for it on 4th and 13 instead of try a 49-yard FG. Not that I’m complaining…).

Dear Detroit: You have one too many Johnsons at wide receiver. There were multiple occasions on Sunday where I thought I had points (including six for a TD) only to realize it was Bryant and not Calvin (yes, I know… Calvin is 81. But when they dive for the ball and have defensive backs toppling over them, it’s hard to tell right away). Please address this. Maybe one of them can turn Muslim and change his name? I heard athletes like to do that.

I’ve spent the past two years hating The Gimp so much that plays like that game winner against San Francisco gave me memory whiplash to the days when I thought he was the best player on earth. It actually pains me to admit it, but that was freaking fun to watch.

Five Guys You Should be Thinking about Picking Up This Week

• Glen Coffee – Perk your ears up! Get him while he’s hot! Add a jolt of coffee to your offense! Prepare to hear this all week from fantasy sites!
• Mike Sims-Walker – Look, I know you hate David Garrard. I hate David Garrard. Even David Garrard hates David Garrard. But Mike Sims-Walker is good, and he’s only owned in about 40% of leagues.
• Pierre Garcon – Reggie Wayne’s new sidekick is wicked fast and Manning likes throwing. A lot. I’m just saying.
• Nate Burleson – TJ Housh is dead to me.
• Tashard Choice – who knows what’s going on with the Dallas RB situation. All you need to know is that they create holes for whoever is running.

Three Guys That Aren’t Going to Cut It… No, Really… I Know You Drafted Him Early, but You Need to Swallow That Pride and Dump His No-Talent-Having Ass

• Clinton Portis – I am now officially rescinding the title of My Own Personal Jesus from Portis (bestowed last year). He’s not even on my team and I wince every time he gets stuffed at the goal line. And I’ve been wincing a lot lately.
• TJ Houshmandzadeh – See: Me, Dead to
• Bernard Berrian – Sure, he’ll get some catches. But Favre really likes this Harvin kid. A lot.

Um… what was that? What about Matt Forte? No, no, no… he looked good. Over 100 total yards this past Sunday. He’s starting to get in a rhythm.

What? Injured? Nah, everybody gets a little nicked up here and there. That’s what HGH is for.

Look, if he can play this Sunday, you better have him in your lineup. It’s the Lions for crying out loud.

What? What if he can’t crack a big number against Detroit?

Well…

I mean…

Tell you what – let’s just jump off that towering inferno of shame if and when we come to it, okay?

[Note: Even cbssports.com has even given up on Forte. On my league fantasy site, the system wasn’t highlighting him when the Bears had the ball, as it does every other player. That can’t be a good sign.]

This was a text to my brother at 2:17 PM on Sunday: “From now on, if i say holy forte, or even just forte, it should be understood it’s a euphemism for shit.”

It was right AFTER that when Forte fumbled at the goal line on a short pass over the middle.

(Sigh)

Here were my three favorite announcer moments of the weekend:

3. Bears-Seahawks

Charles Davis: “The Bears and the Seahawks united in their quest to win this ballgame”

3. Bears-Seahawks (again)

Charles Davis: “The decision by Lovie Smith to challenge that play (Forte goal line fumble) reminds me of something a friend told me a long time ago: ‘Hey…’”

Dick Stockton (All-Time King of Being Oblivious… completely unaware his partner is talking, let alone in the middle of an anecdote): “…There you see Forsett and Obomanu back for the Seahawks. There you see Justin Forsett. Kicking off Robbie Gould.”

And then, dead silence.

He’s not the best color man in the league for nothing, folks.

However, not to be outdone…

1. Ravens-Browns

The announcer in the Ravens-Browns game, upon seeing Browns’ tackle Shawn Rogers in a scuffle with a Ravens player: “Wow… he just picked him up like he was picking up a newborn and throwing him… [suddenly catching himself, realizing that maybe a ‘baby throwing’ analogy might not be such a great idea]… into… a… basket.” [Silence.]

Nice catch there, guy. That was much better.

What was the Pittsburgh return guy doing dancing around with a few seconds left in the game instead of giving Big Ben one shot at a downfield heave? Not for nothing, but that black dude from House needs to get his team straightened out.

What? Part One: So, Terrell Owens – he of the first zero catch game in about ten years, various crappy reality TV shows, sit-ups in driveways, and a seemingly endless trail of destroyed football relationships and burned bridges in his wake – drops another clunker for his new team and he’s complaining about being goaded and not treated fairly by the media? My heart bleeds for him.

Say What? Part Two: The Raiders are going out of their way to try and ban Rich Gannon from their facilities because he’s been particularly critical of them (i.e.,, doing his job/telling it like he sees it/not saying anything that the rest of the planet isn’t saying). At the same time, they’re also going out of their way to cover up an assistant coach getting assaulted by Tom Cable and having his jaw broken? I think Gannon was right – they need to burn down that stadium with all the Raiders in it (including Al Davis… but not Nnamdi Asomugha. I love that guy).

…and finally…

In case you haven’t noticed, Ryan and I make our NFL picks every Thursday. I went 15-1 for the second time this season… impressive, right? Except when you factor in that I am (well, was) in an NFL pool where you have to pick ONE winner every week without repeating your teams throughout the season. Yup… guess which team I backed?

(Sigh)

See you next week.